November 14, 1996My Diary Considering it is now November, I will need to backtrack a tad to what has been one of the most hectic periods of my life.. About 4 months ago I finally moved out of my mother's house and got myself a wonderful little house of which I am very proud (see photos page). To move out I sold my beautiful Magna and bought a really old Mazda, which I've now had for 6 months during which it was broken into twice, and stolen once. Needless to say as soon as I get the thing fixed (again) it is out of here...
I've stopped going to uni for a year. I was doing architecture but half way through 4th year pressures at home culminated to the point where I had to quit to sort myself out. I can't wait to go back to uni next year and finish my course... or maybe start a new one altogether... Working for real SUX big-time! If I was writing to you, emailing you or chatting to you on IRC some months ago, I apologise for having disappeared so abruptly. Things got a little too heavy and I stopped writing to all my good net buddies. I hope to be able to start again soon. I miss all my friends!!
I had developed a deep relationship with a wonderful boy, which unfortunately did not work out. The split was not an easy one and alas, I'm smoking again because of it. On the other hand I have since met another wonderful boy, Dean, a dancer with more energy than I thought I could handle.
November 19, 1996
Bitchin'! My car broke down today (piece of sh...) and I had to get it towed to my mechanic. The moment it got there he tried to start it and it went!!! I'm soooo sick of driving such an old car around, only a matter of weeks before I get rid of it big-time. Wanna buy it?
November 20, 1996
I'm bored, so I'll try not to write too much or I'll bore you as well.. I've realised that I've overdone it once again. I've become lethargic and dull, thanks to constantly going out and late night after late night. My over-energetic significant other made me feel so incredibly old last night, for example, when all I wanted to do was go to sleep. *sigh* I did this only last month and it took me a couple of weeks to get over it. Still, I'm having fun and that's what matters right?
November 22, 1996
Dean had his 'drag debut' last night. He's not an IRC or net boy so I can write this here without fear. He was stunning in drag, I have to admit, and he loved it intensely. He adores the attention and he got offers left right and centre. That doesn't bother me at all, after all he still goes home with me at night, in fact it makes me very proud of him and I like showing him off, which I think is a very important thing in a relationship. However, I'm having difficulties getting used to the idea of a trannie boyfriend. I like boys, so a boy dressed as a girl doesn't make much sense to my confused libido. Anyway, he's doing a show at the Court next Thursday, and I know he's gonna be great at it. I would never try to stop him from doing anything he wanted to do, especially if he is as enthralled by it as he is by this, but I don't know wether I will be able to adjust. Fingers crossed..
November 25, 1996
Oh what a week-end... I'm still very tired after what turned out to be an exhausting but interesting and eye opening week-end. I've recently started taking Saturdays off work so as to get at least one day of relaxation in my week, and this week I went on a picnic with friends at King's Park. I wanted to take Dean along but he was working, and through the day I worried and worried about the drag thing, and by the end of the day I was ready to tell him that we would really not be able to make it, especially since he turned up in drag again on Saturday night, and we saw next to nothing of one another at Connies. To make things worse I had too little sleep and much too much coffee so by the end of the night, when everyone went home, I was still bouncing off the walls.
A long drive later I figured I had to split up with Dean, I felt much too uncomfortable walking the streets with him in Drag, and I simply did not find him attractive when in that 'state', or to be totally honest, rather unattractive. Then Sunday night came along, and finally he came out in straight clothing... all the thoughts I'd had about splitting up with him faded and I had my Dean back. I left him with one of those "we need to talk", since I really want to sort this out, but I don't want to split up, and I don't want to hinder him in what he wants to do... so soon we'll need to come to some compromise. Again, fingers crossed...
December 4, 1996
One eventful week I guess... we had that talk in the end and we came to some sort of agreement... basically we were to keep away from one another when he had his shows on, and hence his gear. Now does that sound weird or what? I felt really uneasy about it after we spoke, it just didn't seem right. It only took one night in fact to show us both that it really wasn't working. Last Thursday he had his first real show on, and may I add that he did very well for himself. Anyway, that was at the Court Hotel, after which we moved to James Street nightclub where Trade takes place every Thursday. By the end of the night I was so tense I could have snapped in half and boy did I make that very clear to Dean. I regretted it afterwards. I hate being such a wet towel.
The next day when I decided to go home pretty early he said he'd like to go with me, and in the car we spoke again. This time we were being a little more realistic, and by the time we got to his house we had decided that perhaps it would be best to brake up before we did some real damage to our friendship. He was saddened, but somehow I felt relieved. The next day he changed his mind, but I convinced him that it was for the best, and that we should just remain very good friends. That was on the way out last night, and when we got to the club the word that Dean and I had broken up spread quickly amongst those we knew. Within a half hour I had Dean's good friend chatting to me passionately, and then asking me if we could have a word in private. This guy is... well let's say VERY young. Having made his intentions all to clear, and not just by telling me, I gave him the "I have just split up, I need some time to myself" excuse and took Dean home. I have been worrying somewhat because Dean saw me and his friend kiss only hours after suggesting we get back together... I hope he's ok...
In the meanwhile, Steve my house mate of 6 months has decided to make a move closer to work and I'm stuck with a rent that I cannot afford. Rather than getting someone else in I've decided to find a smaller place, after all during the last few days when Steve has barely been home I have learned to love living alone. I had found THE nicest little apartment right in town but it was being taken when I walked into the real-estate office. A matter of a couple of minutes! Now the search goes on, and I'm bracing myself for some heavy expenses coming up if and when I find another place. Naturally there is still no hope in sight in regards to getting the car fixed. My sincere thanks to Mark, a friend of a friend who has lent me his little Vitara while his parents are away, and who has hence been forced to drive their BMW in the meanwhile... poor bastard...
December 10, 1996
Firstly a note to John "redguy" who wrote to me after seeing these pages. I'm sorry to say I received your letter too late to answer you before you lost your e-mail. If you happen to read this do mail me with some details so that I might get back to you. Now, I have finally found a new house to move into, one smaller and much nicer, and most importantly closer to Northbridge, my regular oasis of peace and excitement, my second home, and source of what fun my life has. It's a double storey, two bedroom apartment, in one of the only 2 apartment blocks which have communal pools I would ever dare use.
A 'Dean update': as always I was beginning to feel very guilty about what I'd done to Dean (what had I done anyway??) I had about a dozen people come up to me every night I was out telling me how miserable he looked and was and how good we were together... a certain someone would walk up to me every now and then and just say "Dean GOOD!!" It could have become very annoying . When I walked up to the club one night I saw some friends, said hello, they pointed out Dean to me (dancing on a box with make-up on, I think I would have seen him anyway) and I went over to say hello. I chatted for a while then saw more friends and went to say hello to them. Occasionally I would go back and dance with him a while or chat. The following night I was told by at least two people that Dean had told them I was ignoring him, not even saying hello and that it would all be over by his own hand if I kept it up. Later that night rumours spread about him going out with a gorgeous guy whom I knew had a boyfriend. I traced that particular rumour back to him... I don't know what's going on, but I'm sorry this is happening because I really wanted to stay friends with him.
I have returned the Vitara so I am once again plodding along in the old 626. In all sincerity it is running better now than ever before. Go figure... I have to borrow money from my brother in order to move into the new house, and this afternoon he managed to squeeze every last ounce of agony out of the act of asking him for it. But he gave it to me, and I can safely say that it won't be long before he gets it back.
In-so-far as my love life is concerned, well, let me tell you a story... Some of you may have already heard this, I hope you won't mind hearing it again... About 2 years ago I was working in a service station with a rather old car wash that regularly broke down or created problems with people trying to use it. I was only at the beginning of my confused stage, wondering why it was that I liked looking at boys so much... One day the most gorgeous guy I have ever seen came into the service station and filled his car. I had seen him before and I knew he was gay, but couldn't for the life of me bring myself to speak to him, after all back then I was not the loose slut I am now. He paid for his fuel and bought some car wash tokens without me either saying a word or taking my eyes off him. Thinking back on it he must have thought I was the biggest idiot... as his car entered the car wash I kissed the best opportunity I had ever had to speak to him goodbye, or so I thought.
I kept my eye on him regardless as the car began to make it's way through our rusting machinery, and I realised that halfway through the car stopped moving. I walked over to check out what was happening and just as I was close enough to peer into the car wash out he comes from the car, in his underwear and dripping wet. It took me a few seconds to regain my senses and even then I had become jelly and nothing was going to set me back as long as he was in that state. I just stood there, dumbfounded and stunned, looking about like a dork. Well his car wouldn't start and he told me that the starter motor had just been replaced, and obviously they had put it in wrongly. Of course he had to tell me this twice because the first time I was too taken by this trendy subtle lisp he had in his voice to actually listen to what he was saying. Oh, he had after a short while put his clothes back on, and the reason he had taken them off to begin with was that he knew his car would leak and didn't want to get his clothes wet.
I could have kicked myself when the RAC came round and eventually the taxi that took him home while I had still not managed to utter a word to him other that some crap about his car. I saw him again a few times after that day, once at a pizza shop and even once at uni, when he came in with another gay friend of mine. We never spoke but he looked at me a lot, and needless to say I did the same. I'd heard some things about him from my friends, and I had reached the conclusion that he was somewhat of a rebel and a troublemaker, who had no fear of saying what he wanted and doing what he pleased. He had once been bashed by a couple of policemen whom he took to court and won over, and he was in court a few other times over events that could probably have been avoided by someone less outspoken.
Anyway... Connections, a few weeks ago, and there he is again. My heart stopped for a while as I recognised him and he did the same. I didn't speak to him and he kept on dancing by himself, and he did so well. He would look at me every so often, and smile. Finally one night I walked over and began chatting. I was so nervous it really didn't go anywhere and I felt really foolish. Again I spoke to him the next time I saw him out, and I began to be more relaxed, until just the other night when at about 4:30am, I asked him if he needed a lift home since I was just about to leave. He said yes. I drove him home and be began a discussion in the car that continued for about 2 hours after we got home. We stayed in the car and chatted as his boyfriend was inside sleeping... more on him later on. We talked about everything ranging from religion to homophobia to girls and families. Then he went inside to his boyfriend and I went home.
Turns out for various reasons their relationship is very open. He regularly takes advantage of this but his boyfriend rarely does the same. Actually I've never seen his boyfriend out to a club so I gather he likes the quiet life. I saw him again the following day... or later that day actually. We spent the morning chatting and most of the afternoon, then went over to a mutual friend's house and walked around a bit after that. Altogether I had a great day and I hope to see him again. This is the guy that started my coming out phase in a big way. To somehow be involved with him would make my life...
Shit, just as I was saving this I got a call from the Department of Public Prosecution informing me that I have to go to court and give evidence against some wanker from whom I bought a modem years ago. It'll be on a Monday, which I suppose is cool since I hate Mondays so much and it should all be over by late lunchtime. Hope the bastard rots in jail...
December 16, 1996
Hey, it's Monday again and I feel good!! I went to court this morning and as I expected, the idiot came up with yet another way to delay the trial, so back I go in another 6 months... the public prosecutor assures us that this will be the last time he will delay the trial, as he has run out of ways to do it in...
Carwash boy? What car wash boy... oh him... water under the bridge. Having spent some more time with him I have come to realise that he really was a bit of an idiot with a bigger ego than almost anyone else I know. Sure he was fun to be with but frankly I 'd rather spend my time constructively. And besides, let's face it, what could ever have come of it anyway? You may well ask what has brought about this change of attitude... well those of you who know me well enough can probably guess... I have met someone else.
I had seriously never imagined that people like him existed... for one thing I caught him on his 3rd or 4th ever trip to Connies.. so he is yet to be contaminated by the bitchiness and the rumours on scene... he is sweet and nice and very good looking and I am totally spun out. And besides, now that the carwash-boy thing is resolved I feel that I have a much better chance of making this last, and I really hope it does.
December 20, 1996
I'm back, following a bad bout of tonsillitis (spelling still baffles me, if it's wrong, please mail me...) I'm back at the office for one day sorting out the pay and some bills over the last few days, before beginning a well deserved 2 weeks holiday over Christmas and new-year. The weather is heating up again, and my new house is handling it very well... I'm getting closer to putting some photos up so don't despair, they'll be here soon. It definitely beats my old house, which I have the honour to go clean out this afternoon for one last time. Things with my new beau, whose name is Andrew by the way, are going very well. Inspite of my sickness over the last few days things have been moving along nicely and we have achieved a level of comfort with each other that usually took me longer to reach. He's just the sweetest boy I have ever met and this makes me quite nervous. Considering the experiences I've had over the last few months it's not surprising that this is so. I do not want this to end in a month, and hence I do not feel in control as I did in the past. I'm sure I'll cope... I really want to.
Oh, I've re-enrolled at uni! I'm back in Architecture, doing a few units a semester and spreading the load of 3 semesters over 4, which I'm happy about. As far as money is concerned, well, that's a very different story. I'm still not quite sure what I'm going to do. Whoops, gotta go now...
January 8, 1997
Back from the holidays and am I buggered. Not really because of anything I did during the holidays but rather because since coming back to work I've gone out more than when I could afford to sleep in. Christmas was all-right, spent some time with the family but not enough to ruin it for me, and spent a good deal of time with friends. At 12am Christmas eve I was with Andrew at home, and that really made it for me. Then we went out and partied a little with friends. Nothing over the top, nothing like...
...New year's eve! We partied enough not to get any sleep at all... I had a moment of clarity on the morning of the 1st when I saw a stream of party goers coming out of Connies at 6am in the bright sunlight. Man oh man does Perth's gay scene need help or what! It was bordering on frightening to see all these people, some of whom I would have considered good looking in the dark of Connies come out into the sunlight looking like they had just been through hell. Ewww... I guess I should really get back to work now...
January 14, 1997
Woohoo, today is Tuesday and last Friday was the first month anniversary of my meeting with Andrew. I know it must sound ridiculous but to make it past a month was my new-year's resolution. I'm extraordinarily happy with him and I've now changed my resolution to two years, rather than a few weeks. I look forward to extending that period even more Jodi (see photos page) came back from Melbourne two nights ago, and we got to see her again over a couple of coffees last night. We had a great time wandering the streets of Perth at night, bitching about just how dead Perth can be and comparing it to the other wonderful cities we'd all been to... but admitting time and again that when it all comes down to it, we really do like it here. The night was capped off by having to change Jodi's tyre when we got back to her car and found it flat.
Tonight about a dozen people are going to be making their way to my house for a very informal dinner in honour of Adrian and Mervyn's departure back to Malaysia for their holidays. Both will only be away for a month or so, but any excuse is good enough for a get-together. Naturally I won't be cooking as everyone will theoretically be bringing a plate of food, but from the initial feedback I've received the evening is not looking very together at all, with people arriving in drabs at odd times. Worse yet, the cabinet maker who is supposed to be making the timber components of the furniture I made over the holidays has only just come back to work today, meaning that I'll not be receiving my stuff till the end of the week, at best. I was really hoping to have it tonight.
Some good news did arrive from Rome though, with my sister, brother in law, niece and nephew making their way over to humble Perth sometime in late April. I haven't seen any of them for 2 years and I really miss my niece. My nephew is my godchild and I've never even seen him! He's about a year old now...
Last week I had some problems with Dean... will he ever learn... He picked the one afternoon at the Court when close to everyone I know was there, as well as a whole bunch of strangers who now think I'm a complete fruit-loop, to make a fool of me while in a drunken, drugged stupor. By the end of the night he was being carried away repeatedly by some friends who were taking turns at doing that, though I'm not certain wether it was to save me the embarrassment of being taunted by him, to save themselves the embarrassment of having him around, or just because it gave them a chance to inflict a little bit of pain on him and release some of that anger he was inducing in everyone.
January 20, 1997
Monday today, and over the week-end, depression set in again. I'm baffled as to why this should be, since the week-end was actually quite good. Didn't do much really, and skipped Connies all three days, of which I'm quite proud given my current pathetic financial situation. I spent most of that time with Jodi, Brad and Mervyn. On the other hand I saw Andrew the best part of 5 minutes over the last 3 days and that is probably what is depressing me. On top of that I have a constant inflow of bills and a rather erratic outgoing flow, which gets worse every time I check my mail. Oh, and let's not forget the headache I've had for the last 2 days!
January 21, 1997
Hit rock bottom yesterday afternoon having been talking to someone who, by applying his own experience to my life turned it into a tragedy before it needed to be. My thanks to that person all-the-same for sharing with me in an open exchange of ideas, I wish more people would do that. Regardless, by dinner time I was near suicidal, aided also by bad news from my bank. The power of a muffin... A couple of friends came around to my house for dinner, and the conversation strayed to the very topic that had depressed me so all afternoon. We decided to go out for coffee and I called Andrew before we left. We spoke briefly then we left, still feeling as bad, if not worse than before.
A number of people showed up to coffee until we had a lovely crowd of exclusively nice people. Finally, unexpectedly, Andrew showed up with a muffin in hand and gave it to me... I realise how silly this is, but that muffin seemed to set all the worry I went through that day to rest, and it's effect extended to this morning, when half of it was sitting on my kitchen counter waiting for me at breakfast. What a sweetie. If only my financial situation was as easily resolved.
January 29, 1997
Well it had to happen sooner or later, and it happened over the last few days. I have lost all hope in all my friends, the bitchiness and back stabbing having reached unbearable levels. For once the rumours doing the rounds were not about me, but these were particularly nasty ones and about someone who really ought not have people make his life even more difficult than it already is. His relationship ended, possibly mostly because of these rumours and I'd like the person who started them and anyone who had a hand in spreading them that they have my complete and unhindered contempt. Not only so, but these rumours were so ridiculous only an idiot would believe them, or at the very least only a fool would spread them without complete certainty, which could have been easily achieved.
Last Sunday was Australia Day, and though I was working I made my way to King's Park after work to watch the fireworks with some friends. After that we did the usual Court thing, and tried Trade on a Sunday night for the first time... not too good, I'll stick to Connies. All in all the best bit was coffee with Andrew and Ellen after everyone went home. I was happy to be left with two normal people for a while since that was the night that all the shit about the rumours began. Then last night we went to the beach, my first beach visit this summer may I add. Sure, it was 10pm, so no tan, but there were a lot of people there and it was cool just relaxing on the sand. I like the new generation of outings I seem to have adopted, which seem to stray away from pubbing and clubbing more and more, in favour of spending more quality time with friends and almost as importantly, saving money.
January 31, 1997
Everything's changed, I've been dumped. I thought I'd have some control over what I was feeling in a situation like this, but I don't. I had become so deeply involved in this relationship that I lost all conception of a life without it. Looking on it in hindsight I can't believe I did such a stupid thing, especially with my past experience, but I did do it, and now I'm suffering. As I guess is the case with any brake up, I can't help feeling that so many emotions were wasted because of poor communication, but when it all comes down to it I may just be groping for excuses. I am tempted to write so much, but I mustn't forget that this page is relatively easily accessible. I've broken up with so many people till now, and never has it been this excruciatingly painful. I still can't imagine what it will be like to not see him every day, to not talk to him on a regular basis, and most importantly to not feel that he is there for me, as he has been till now. I am sorry I will not get to see him begin his new studies, see him deal with his mother and the whole coming out process, even though that may not happen for a very long time. I guess it's more than having someone to share my life with, but also someone in whose life to share.
After a sleepless night I was hit this morning by how different I felt when getting out of bed. I met him the very day I moved into this new house, and I guess that has helped to condition my first thought every morning to be about him. That always helped me to start the day feeling good about myself. Somehow I can't imagine waking up in the morning in this house not thinking about him, and the mere thought of feeling the way I did this morning when I did so, is enough to make me want to move. If only I were bitter or angry... these are feelings that are so easily appeased by a good bitching to a friend. No, for the first time after splitting up with anyone, all I can think of is having him back, even though I know there is no chance. Not many events have ever changed my life a great deal, but this one has. God I miss him...
February 4, 1997
Live and learn. A few days after the split I am feeling a lot better. I have realised that me and Andrew have stayed friends and I have not felt that uncomfortable feeling when he has been around at Court or Connies, so I am very relieved. I have indeed been feeling a little lonely but all things considered I am coping better than I expected, and better than some of my friends have and are coping with their own brake-ups, which have been numerous lately... must be something in the air.
I am very happy to say that I have learned something from this experience... one would have to be a fool to come out of something like this without having gained something from it. I'm actually feeling a lot more enlightened right now, maybe there is a little relief inside me, telling me that really it was for the best that Andrew left me, and that after this experience my next relationship is going to have a much greater chance of lasting than any of my previous ones. This of course could be said for any brake-up, but I feel that at least in my life, this one is so much more relevant than the others. Anyway, the moral of today's entry is, I'm feeling better and I'm no longer miserable, at least not about being alone.
On the other hand the gossip run continues, and I am growing ever more tired of the people around me. It's been a real time for change in the last few weeks, and I've noticed that many of the people I used to hang out with regularly are being replaced, or I'm seeing them less in favour of other friends I now see more of. I'm quite relieved that nothing has been said about me so far, but it puts me on edge to think that some of the things that have been said about other people, my friends, and that I know were not true, could just as easily have been said about me.
Anyway, uni looms over the horizon and I still have not sorted out my money problems. I should be ecstatic, since I have paid off most of my backed up bills and have exercised a huge deal of self control and self denial insofar as going out and spending money is concerned, but I have still not found a long term solution to the problem of a lower income and higher costs on my return to uni. But as with everything else, I'm sure this will be resolved in it's own time. That's the other thing that has changed in me lately, I've become much more of a fatalist than I ever have been.
February 12, 1997
Well talk about bouncing back really quickly... what would one do without good friends hu? I'm all mixed up again... Yes, you've guessed it right, I have indeed met someone else, and a lovely, charming, genuine guy he is too. Nothing much has happened yet and boy am I grateful of that. Like I have already said, I am happy to say have learned a great deal from my last experience and he is in the same position as me at least in that respect. He is unlike someone I would generally see myself with, and it's certainly not certain that I will ever be with him at all, but right now I enjoy his company and he is a lot of fun to have around.
The fact is that I really don't know what it is that I need any-more and I'm going in blind. Who know, I'll leave this one to fait. So why did I mention good friends? Well Jodi - the coolest bird I know - introduced us, and I owe her a lot of thanks. Mind you, in light of this I am now totally confused and feel really weird, but hey, it's worth it... thanks Joe :) Oh, uni starts in 2 weeks... still no improvement or steps forward in sorting something out in regards to my future income... MUST get my butt into gear RIGHT NOW!!!
February 14, 1997
Joy. Valentines day once again, panning to be a very bad day after all, as always. Never is one reminded of just how lonely one can really be than on this day. I was having a conversation last night with two of my good friends, both bisexual, which depressed me immensely. We began to talk about old age, family, and the way the two come together, or fail to do so for gay people. The idea of a lonely present is bad enough to endure but one of a lonely future, particularly a far remote one, is enough to make one consider changing attitude. The question in my mind right now is, what is one to value more, self-truth and non-denial or the ability to condition ones self to believe something that they do not at present believe, in the hope that that conditioning will not only be strong enough to last through to old age, but also powerful enough to make one truly believe and be happy? In other words, can one really, knowing full well that he is undeniably gay, pretend to be straight for the sake of a family to surround him in old age, but possibly jeopardising his happiness, comfort and peace of mind for the rest of his life? Is it right to even attempt such a thing knowing that should the attempt fail it would not only be his own life to suffer from it but that of a wife and children? Are there not enough examples around of men who truly believed they could make themselves ignore the obvious, and have ended up well and truly unhappy, and with families who hate them?
Then again the whole idea of martyring myself by accepting my life in the way I see it now and succumbing to that fear of being alone, abandoned by my bitter family and betrayed by the belief that perhaps there really is a partner made just for me out there, is cool... in a masochistic sort of way :) Then I look around and I see other people in much worse states than me... seemingly... I actually believed that I was better off than those people I see in Connies, all depressed and alone, but somehow I'm beginning to rethink that notion. What makes my situation better than theirs? I'm still not involved seriously with anyone, and is a failed relationship (or ten) better than no relationship at all? Better to have loved and lost? I don't know any-more... But what is really baffling me? I know something is, but I am not sure what. You know you're in trouble when what is baffling you baffles you :).
To hazard a guess, I'd say it's what it is that I really want. I have never been in a position to have to admit that I don't know what I want in my future, not until now anyway. Look at my personal relationships for example: I tried to find something linking them, a trend of sorts, but there is nothing there. What the hell does that mean?! What is it that I'm looking for? Does the fact that it does not seem to be something IN the people I've been with, mean that it is the experience or something in that experience that appeals to me? And while at it, why the hell am I gay?? Let me explore some possibilities. I know it's not sex I'm after, not exclusively anyway. I see sex as a bonus in a way, but not as the be-all and end-all in a relationship. I'm glad I think and feel this way because I'd hate to think my hormones ran my life, but it's just as frightening to realise that it's the need for affection and love that does so instead. What makes a difference during sex, to me, is the amount of tenderness, the sweet, sentimental things that are said, the exchange of thoughts, the whispering, the holding, the hugging, the closeness and the being there in the morning. Don't get me wrong, the physical pleasure brought about by a wild all night romp is not a bad thing, actually I'm just as fond of it as I'm sure most people are, but I see it as having less importance, that's all. I'd like to give more examples but I mustn't. I've been good so far, not releasing any details about particular people, and I have to keep it up. I hate Valentine's day...
February 21, 1997
With Valentine's day well and truly out of the way my spirit is beginning to revive itself with new hope for the friend of a friend I've written about. I now find that the situation as it stands appeals to me more that I had at first realised. The norm for me lately has been that of finding someone and becoming deeply involved with the quickly and usually fatally in terms of the relationship. I hadn't spent time learning to appreciate someone for a very long time and had forgotten how good it could feel to do so. Reality can be harsh, fantasizing about possibilities can be uplifting if one manages to keep in mind the fact that they are only fantasies. Furthermore, it seems that wherever I turn friends are cheating on other friends, and I am quickly becoming disillusioned by the whole idea of a relationship, especially one that is rushed into like most of my past ones.
Andrew, my ex, is coming out with us quite often lately... well, actually he doesn't come out with us as such, he just seems to meet us in places, which is great, as I still like to see him around a lot, even if I am not completely over him yet. However I am now realising that something I had previously expected is happening right now. When I first came out I did a lot of things I can't say I regret doing, but which in some ways wish I could have avoided. Since then I have learned a great deal, and I realised just how much I have learned when I spoke to Andrew last night, briefly, at Trade. It saddens me enormously to see him heading for the same minor catastrophes I had to encounter, the only difference being that I had a lot of friends who were at my level in the coming out stakes to whom I could talk and from whom I could expect support and to some extent, compassion. Andrew is virtually alone, and I feel quite helpless. I hate the idea that because I know he resents me to some extent even though he would never admit it, he is going to be looking for friendship in the kind of people he pointed out last night. These people are not capable of providing any of the support or compassion I found so helpful and necessary, in fact I doubt they are capable of providing a decent argument to any conversation not revolving solely around sex.
Perhaps I am being too harsh, and maybe the disillusionment I have experienced is too deep. Perhaps my cynicism has gone too far... or perhaps I have just become wiser in the ways of the scene. One thing is for certain, nothing really surprises me any-more, but I sure hope to be surprised by the way Andrew comes out of this stage. I only hope that his time with me has not harmed or hindered him in this respect. On to less depressing matters, a new joint opened in Perth last night, called the Dive Bar. It is a 'mixed' venue, now owned by the same people who own Connections, and it is meant to create a meeting point for sexually ambivalent people as well as straights and gays. Well you have to excuse my hmmmm-ing, but I'm afraid it seemed to lack a little something. It may have been the strange impression I got by being treated by a very cute boy wearing nothing but a skirt and flowers in his hair, with which I certainly don't have a problem, but which does seem to be a little extreme for a place that it supposedly aiming to attract straights as well... well, basically the name really said at all, and we were all rather unimpressed. Upstairs from Dive is the Rubber Room, a club room that has remained unchanged from it's last use. Music sucked... not good... I promise on of these days I'll find something good to say :)
February 24, 1997
Oh who am I kidding... make or brake... my foot!! I tell-ya, when I get something in my head it stays there for a bloody long time. And the friend's friend, now my very good friend, is in there good and proper. I know there really is very little hope, and I know we are well and truly mismatched, but he is much too nice a person to give up on him so darn quickly. In other news, today will be the first day back at uni, and I'm almost looking forward to it, and then again not... I am happy that I will be putting some interest back in my life, and varying my routine somewhat from its present, boring state. On the other hand, I have been forced to take a 3rd year unit to make up credit points this semester. That means that I am now taking 3rd, 4th and 5th year units, which is bound to get incredibly confusing. My finances don't seem to be improving but at least they have been sorted out.
I am now the proud director of "Oaksedge Corporation Pty Ltd" which now runs my life, and with any luck soon the recipient of the income provided by this company. Having spent a whole afternoon at uni the other day I managed to sort out all my units, and even my Austudy application. On top of that a good buddy will be moving in with me soon and that should all add up to some released financial tension.
February 25, 1997
There is a woman in the office right now who has a tremendously annoying whistle in her speech... I am doing all I can to stop myself from getting up and walking out, or worse yet asking her to shut the hell up... My faith in IRC has been renewed by meeting a lovely person last night. I hadn't been on at night for ages and I guess I got lucky. I really should not be making a big deal out of this but I have to admit that I was taken aback by the fact that I actually met someone nice on IRC... I hope this doesn't offend anyone but frankly the standard of people on our channel lately had been seriously dipping.
First day back at uni yesterday, and I loved it thoroughly. I was indeed becoming a little tense at the idea of joining a class that had been below mine for 4 years, but I hadn't realised before yesterday that I was going to have the same coordinator heading my group, and a few nice people from my year along as well. Things turned out nicely and I look forward to the rest of the year. In regards to everything else, well I don't know, nothing's changing... not that I mind frankly.
March 4, 1997
Every once in a while, out of the blue, one comes to find something shocking and unbelievable that can change his life. That change can be permanent or just temporary, and it can be a good one or a sad one. I am not jumping to conclusions, I'd hate to disappoint myself but a change has occurred, and I would like for it to be permanent. I have regained some hope in finding someone nice, someone almost perfect, someone made just for me. I hat told myself never to get involved with IRC people again, it's just not a good idea and the track record is not indicative of a good trend, and yet here I am falling for it again. But how rarely does one find someone who shares identical views on relationships, someone who has not been around the block half a dozen times, and someone with morals AND a brain? Well could it be that I've met him?
March 5, 1997
Tonight's the night, in a matter of hours I'll meet the mystery boy I've been chatting to so much lately. There is definitely something here, something good, something strangely wholesome and yet wild and liberating. I'm so nervous I think I'm going to be sick :) and if that wasn't enough I'm having a really bad hair day :)) A few of my friends seem to have found their soul mates just this week, it's strange to note that there has never been such a 'rush on partners' before, not in my circle of friends anyway. and it all happened with the onset of autumn. Perhaps it says something about us all, perhaps rather than the excitement some people like to get out of a relationship, we are after someone to settle and hibernate with. Oh man I am talking rubbish again, I better stop before I give everyone who reads this the wrong idea about me... I think my brain is scrambled...
March 10, 1997
The meeting happened and I doubt it could have gone better. Apart from the fact that he's as gorgeous as I had hoped he would be, he turned out to be just as wonderful in person as he had been on the phone. There was no tension and no nasty surprises, other than the rather tremendous hickey on my neck that made me buy foundation for the first time in my life:). I like this boy and more than ever before I'm hoping this will last. On a more mundane level, I skipped my first class this semester, due in part to a sleepless night thanks to the head cold I've been suffering from over the week-end, and partly because I hadn't done any work for it. I'm just beginning to see a minor flaw in the plan I have to get through this semester, and that is that I have slightly overestimated myself.
March 14, 1997
A week... one single solitary bloody week. That's all this last venture lasted... and this was one that looked most promising at the very beginning. So you wanna know what happened hu? Hmmm. Well in all fairness I can't write much about this, but it was my decision to cool things, and we will hopefully remain very good friends, since nothing has really changed in the way I feel about him. When it all comes down to it it was because of differing ideas, and I did not want to allow myself to become more involved than I already was because I knew these ideas would create problems and ultimately hurt me and our friendship. So yet another phase is over, and I've learned a lot about myself once again. I'm actually quite proud of the fact that I have learned to control my libido to the extent where I can make a conscious and well thought out decision without letting it confuse me. He is a very nice guy and I am happy to have met him, and even more so, I am happy that we will continue to be friends for a long time.
March 27, 1997
I have neglected this for a few days, mostly because of all the work I've had to do and a few complications here and there... Much as I wish I could go into them all now, I think I better not... maybe later on... Uni has been pretty rough lately... I'm doing well, maybe better than last year even, since the group of people I'm with this year seems to be a little below the standard that last year's group was at. But I am beginning to realise just how little time I have to spare to do work after hours, and I have missed the last two design lectures because I had no time to prepare for them. I have a lot of work to catch up on during the Easter break. Money wise, on the other hand, things seem to be proceeding wonderfully. I have replayed my mother the money I owed her and today I plan on giving my brother a cheque for the full amount that I owe him, despite having made plans to pay him back a certain amount weekly for god knows how long. Once that is gone I just need to clear what's left on my Visa and I will be debt free for the first time in 5 years. I'm very proud of myself. So my personal life is a bit of a shambles again, nothing too worrying, it has been a lot worse... and it's looking up... A little later, the same day... I'm feeling really strange... Richard just called me, he's my design lecturer/tutor, and he was concerned by the fact that I had not shown up to the last 2 classes. It's brought a shadow over this day that had begun quite well considering it's the day before the Easter long week-end. He was not upset with me, he just wanted to find out what was wrong. This shift in mood has made me consider a thing or two, like what I want out of life, amazing what a shifting mood will do hu? I chatted just this morning to a very nice guy who is now seeing a friend of mine. My friend has been telling me about him and I started chatting to him because of that. I think he's really nice and I could not be happier for my friend, and there are two distinct feeling in me right now, pertaining to this: one is jealousy, not of either of them in particular but of what they have now... both are at a stage where they are more aware of what they want in a partner and have found that in each other. The other is sadness because I don't have what they have, even though I do believe I know what I want I keep surprising myself by looking for something different, something that I willingly enter into while knowing that I don't want to.
April 1, 1997
And another one bytes the dust. Boy have these been a confusing few days, and with Easter has come a new interest, a bright happy one in an otherwise dull and depressing period. I might now begin to write a little about what has occurred during the last few days, beginning with one wonderful boy who showed me that yes, there are tremendously nice people out there who are just as I would like them to be, and to him goes my sincere appreciation for again returning some faith in society to me. Unfortunately his ideas pertaining to what a relationship is and mine differed on a rather crucial point and we opted to avoid spoiling our wonderful friendship by regressing to the 'just friends' stage, though I know we both mean a lot to one another. Then in the midst of this was seeing Andrew in the arms of a friend at Connections, and boy was that a fun night. I really truly believed that I would be cool when Andrew finally found someone, but when I saw them together my heart sank to depths rarely experienced by me in the past. Maybe it was because i knew the guy he was with, or maybe it was because he was so much more affectionate towards him then he was ever towards me... either way it hurt much more than I expected. From this the problem got worse, as having witnessed this marvellous sight I proceeded to drink myself into a stupor, aided by more money I found on the floor. This did cheer me up, at least temporarily, and allowed me to have a really good night, but it also aided me in ignoring Andrew in a rather unsubtle way, and now I feel terrible... So about that bright, happy new interest. Well so far it's only a thought, maybe a dream. Someone new to the net and new to the scene, someone young and outgoing, someone really sweet and fun. Someone with a brain and a sense of humour.. but who knows what will happen, I've given up on hoping for too much too early. No... that's a lie... I'm still hoping but I'm trying to be more subtle about it and possibly trying to deny myself a little angst, all in vain... in fact if this doesn't work I know I will give up at least for a while... after all it could only do me good. Well yeah, I am a bit depressed, but it's normal every now and then isn't it?
April 3, 1997
Not an interesting few days in the least, in fact boring, dull and annoying. The happy couple I wrote about only a few days ago, admitting my envy of them, has since decided to call it a day, and things are just simply continuing to get more muffled and unclear in every aspect of my life. Uni work is not getting anywhere and I'm just tired of getting home and not being able to relax and enjoy my afternoon. Instead I have to sit down at my drawing board to continue work that I can't see an end to. When I'm out of uni I miss it, when I'm back in it I want out again. On a more personal basis I am still not ready to define anything because I don't want to be wrong. I'm taking it one day at a time. Then again I keep looking at relationships that have lasted and I realise that what is needed is tolerance and understanding, but above all one must be able to rationalise the other person's behaviour and mistakes to something that they are happy with. Now, do I want to do that? In work and uni I am becoming restless, and hence I am back to where I was when I left uni last year. This has brought about the same thinking pattern once again, and hence I am again thinking of my cafe. I may not have written about this before, so here's the idea: In a nutshell, I want a cafe/restaurant/cabaret bar with a definite but not exclusive gay bias. A place that is a little different from the many places in Perth right now. It would have to be in Northbridge, close to the 'gay hang-outs'. This idea has been pestering me for months, even years in different forms, and I have a feeling I won't be happy until it materialises. I am yet to find someone to make up for the skills I don't have, and when that happens I will finally be able to do it. Oh, and of course a good half mill to start the thing up...
April 14, 1997
And the tables have turned once again. I'm sorry I've ignored this diary for a long time now, but I've had good reason. I seem to have hibernated lately, having stopped going out and concentrating more on work at uni and relaxing in peace. Other things are changing also, things that relate closely to some of my ranting on the 3rd. I will catch up with this soon, I hope.
May 19, 1997
Apologies for my long absence but it has been a hectic month. Apart from being left alone in the office for a week when my co-worker brother went off to a design expo in Melbourne, my sister has come visit with her family for a month, and I have dropped out of uni. My sister first, who is here for what turns out to be way too little time. Because of my various commitments I have not been able to see much of her at all this month, and I'm incredibly upset. I'm having her over for dinner at my hose this Friday, in the hope that we will really catch up just the week before she leaves. She has answered a lot of lingering questions for me this month, and helped as she could (and only she could) with things between me and mother. I love my sis... and her kids are so cute! My nephew is adorable, looks just like his dad, and my niece, well I always knew she was gorgeous but she's really blossoming now... Uni... well this is one of the things that my sister helped with I guess, over a long conversation we had during which she did her best to convince me to stay in uni after all. In the end, however, she had to admit that I had my reasons and that I should do what I thought was right. The most comforting thing is that she not only convinced me of this, but also my mother the next day, which saved me a long and tedious, and very probably frustrating conversation with my mother. As a sort of celebration I've hit the night-life again in a big way, having gone out every night in over a week, every night drinking that little bit more... I'm cutting back on the alcohol now, because I'm beginning to frighten myself. I barely drank last night, had a great night anyway so everything's cool. Things with the current significant other, about whom I don't think I've spoken much yet, are going... well... frankly I don't know... I guess it would help to see him, but it's now been about 3 weeks. we speak on the phone so I know he's still alive but... well, who knows. On a lighter scale, I've made a few improvements to the house, like a new coffee table, new sofa and some prints on the walls that now make me so proud of my little house. It was sold to a guy I met when he came to inspect it and who seemed nice. He's going overseas for a while so I feel comfortable that I will be able to keep it a good deal longer, and hence I'm making little improvements where I can. My mother, sister and family came around on Saturday to 'inspect' the place, or to check out the squalor they pictured me living in. Instead they were left with a very surprised look on their faces and many words of praise. Financially things are great, I'm putting as much away as possible, and for once that is a decent amount every week, and I look oh so forward to finally dumping the wreck I'm STILL driving in favour of my new, yet to be defined little beast. Oh, we also got fish, and called them Snowball and Santa's Little Helper, after two notorious characters from the Simpsons, for those uneducated enough not to know :)
June 11, 1997
Feeling strange tonight, and really felt the need to make a journal entry. I'm in bed, which is strange as I'm usually at work when I write to this diary. I feel as though I have so many things to say but I'm hindered by the fact that this page is relatively easily accessible. Lets see, where to begin... of course, Andrew. One of the most momentous events that have occurred over the last few weeks has been my reconciliation with Andrew. I was not actually aware that there was a need to reconcile, born from a conflict that I caused but knew nothing about... ok, already, I'm not being terribly honest. Let's try again, and to do so, let me delve a little deeper. I should begin by explaining facts before feelings. Once I quit uni and sorted out my life a little, I decided that it was finally time to get back in contact with old friends. I had planned to call quite a few people one night but ended up talking to Stella, Andrew's ex housemate most of the night. During this conversation I realised that I had been ignoring Andrew since we broke up. I found the initial period easy to explain, but as I went on I found it more and more difficult to do the same. I had needed time to adjust to the new situation and get used to the whole idea of Andrew going out with someone else, but after I adjusted, or even after he and his new boyfriend (of whom, may I add, I had and have a great opinion) had split up, I still found it difficult to get used to the idea of seeing him. This had never before occurred to me, and it bugged me tremendously when I did begin to think about it. It bugged me even more when I began to understand the reason behind it. When I talked to Stella she asked me repeatedly wether I really was over Andrew, and when I said 'yes, absolutely', I really meant it. I am not the type to want to be with someone who does not want to be with me, in fact I think being wanted in a relationship is the most important thing, and when that is gone, well what's the point? Besides, I had been with a few people since Andrew, and I was never the type to reconsider a past relationship after it had essentially been sealed as finished, especially by another relationship (or three). In other words, my response to Stella was based solely on knowing the way I work, and interpreting the situation at present by what would be my usual response. To reinforce all this was the fact that I had been repeatedly accused of playing the jealous ex in respect to the un-required advice I was giving Andrew regarding the people he liked. I remember being rather upset by that comment when it was first made because all I felt was concern for Andrew and did not want him to get hurt. All in all when I heard that he and someone I had known and respected were going out I felt quite relieved, but I can't say that that helped in any way when I first saw them together at the club. That's when the ignoring began, that night I drank much too much and I remember being very rude to both of them in so many ways. I got home that night and felt like I wanted to die. Anyway, once again, as time went by I thought I was accepting the whole deal and that everything would be cool. I thought that my actions that night were an understandable response to the whole deal and that my apology, which was made to Andrew's boyfriend because of convenience had both been passed on to Andrew ad had been enough to calm the waters. Turns out that that apology really didn't go anywhere near enough because it was coupled with my disappearance. I realise here how boring this must all be. I apologise but when it all comes down to it this is a diary of my things and it is really for my sake that i am writing it all down. Regardless, I will attempt to reach a conclusion to this now. I spoke to Andrew a few days after I had spoken to Stella. I explained what I could and we are once again on good terms, but this does not necessarily have to be as pleasant an ending as one may at first think. The truth be said, I have realised that I never did get over Andrew and that the distancing that took place was because I was afraid of this very realisation. Like I said, I hate the idea of wanting someone who does not want me. I hate that idea enough to make myself dislike someone I once liked upon finding out that they did not feel the same. This has happened many times and it has saved me from being hurt a number of times, but this time it just won't happen! When we were together he made me feel things that I had never felt before, so why should that change now that we're not any-more? I feel like an idiot, or worse, like a stubborn child. I know I'm heading for disaster, I know this can only end badly because I know I can't be the friend that Andrew may want me to be because I still feel too much for him to stop at that. I hate myself for it, but I have no idea what to do. A change of subject for those of you how found this incredibly boring... 'wallpaper boy' someone I had had my eye on for a long long time, someone who I had made into some sort of strange sex god, turned out to be everything I had ever hoped and more... in a merely physical sense. He also turned out to be tremendously arrogant... a definite plus, and also very witty. He maintained a mysterious facade and pulled it off beautifully, walking away from my house on foot in the middle of the night having repeatedly and sternly refused my offers for a lift. My last image of him that night is that of this beautiful Jason Donovan look-alike walking out of my courtyard, hands in pockets, slowly and quietly, as I looked from my bedroom window. His last words to me were 'I'd like to see you again sometime', and yet I think I'd much rather leave it at that, a memory of a wonderful night, an interesting conversation and little light shed on personal matters. My heart is elsewhere. Oh, a final note to the dickhead who threatened to brake both my kneecaps on Saturday night for having spread some vicious rumour about you... someone has finally suggested what seems to be the most simple explanation for it... you will undoubtedly remember someone who had indeed been arrested and was in court dealing with the fact that he had had some relation with an underage boy. That person had admitted to this publicly and this happened to be raised as a topic of conversation the night I supposedly blabbed about you. A certain young friend of ours has obviously mixed his people up, and decided that it was you I was talking about. With that out of the way I would like to make it quite clear that if you ever threaten me again you will indeed end up in court, and I'd love to see you explain all this to a magistrate Greg. May I also add that I find particularly pathetic the fact that your only way of finding out who spread this gossip about you was more gossip. If I were you I'd look into who it is that, having misunderstood to begin with, took if further, and all points to one person... At 1:37am, it's time for bed. Thanks for the laptop Merv :)
June 30, 1997
What a very strange few days these have been, discovering once over things about myself that I had really thought were past. To lead on from my last entry, I've seen a little more of Andrew since we started talking again, and I thought things were going famously. Last week-end we went shopping, and I for one had a great day. We also both went out that night and drank more than we ought have. Charged by the how good I felt about having reconciled with him and by how much I had enjoyed that day with him, I allowed a tender hug to release a lot of emotions that went flying at a rate indicative of how high the repressed pressure of them all was. I felt as though we had only just broken up once again, and for the first time, quietly cried in Connections. I'm so glad to those friends that, even without understanding what the problem was, displayed concern for me and did what they could to cheer me up. Their attention helped to re-bottle all those feelings and re-compact them nicely in a fraction of the time I had first imagined it would take. Two days later I'm feeling better. I have finally gotten round to buying a new car, and for once have had a lucky turn, thanks to my mechanic. He found an oil leak in the engine and because the car was near new and still under factory warranty, I told the dealer to have it fixed before I picked it up. Well it turns out the leak could not be fixed so they're putting in a brand new engine for me. On the other hand, in a final indignant act, my old car spitefully decided to leave me stranded once again, thanks this time to a dead starter motor. It's at the mechanics right now and I am really tempted to leave it there. The mobile phone business is picking up a little, with a few sales beginning to happen now. Today's sale should cover my latest medical bills as I seem to be sick once again. Between visits to doctors, having tests done and my bloody car, I've missed almost a full day's work today.
July 11, 1997
Oh what a month. Well all the drama with Andrew is over, I'm happy to say. I mean, I was being childish and I am better than that. Besides I feel that I was alienating him and through him other friends, and most of all I don't want to loose him as a friend, so I am back in the realms of sanity, aimless for the time being but content anyway. I have finally bought a new car, which I love dearly (could this be the dream lover I've been looking for?). I got lucky in buying it as a problem with the engine meant that Mitsubishi (yes, it's a Magna) had to put a brand new engine in it for me, so basically I'm stoked. The old Mazda is still sitting in a parking bay back home, and I dread the day I'll have to drive it anywhere or try to flog it off to anyone. Work is boring as hell, and really when it all comes down to it I'm just looking for something good or exciting to happen. All the guys I may have had my eye on for a while seem to now be with someone, so that's made life a little more bland as well. I guess I'll just have to wait for someone new and different to cross my path because I really don't think I want anyone who's on scene now. Time for lunch now...
July 13, 1997
I guess I'm really pushing it now, I'm sitting in my car at my weekend job with Merv's laptop typing this in. I guess it's really no worse than sitting here reading the paper as I usually do though. The weather is particularly miserable right now as it has been for the last few weeks. Everything is wet and miserable and yet I feel strangely content. As usual I've been going out a lot lately but I seem to be having a much better time than ever. A change seems to have occurred in the way I look at life in general at least in so far as personal relationships are concerned. My aim has not changed in the slightest, so I'm still on the lookout for that particular special person who still remains well and truly undefined. On the other hand, I feel I'm searching more honestly now. The last three experiences I've had have served to show me that I'm doing myself more harm than good. I've not written about the last two yet, which followed wallpaper boy. The first of the two was a most regretful one, which I would rather not go into in too much detail. What it served to show me was something I would never have believed possible for me. It was one of those experiences that, when hearing someone else talk about it, one could not help but think that he would have acted very differently and much more appropriately if in the same situation. But in this case I completely lost control of the situation and ended up forcing myself into something that I really did not want to do. Looking back on it all I feel like such an idiot, but it's passed now and I've definitely learned from it. The latest one on the other hand was somewhat more pleasant but still with someone that I really could not see myself entering into a relationship with, no matter how sweet the boy may have been. I had actually convinced myself that I was not doing this any longer, and instead not only did I do it only a couple of weeks ago, but the realisation has finally occurred to show me that I've done it before, and repeatedly at that. Admittedly sometimes it has been a little difficult to tell, but in this case wallpaper boy is a good example. I would have liked to keep things going but I knew full well that he had no intention to do so. So I knew there was no hope there and yet I went through with it anyway. I think back to earlier days, soon after I came out and moved out, when things were just as complicated and sad but in very different ways. I remember the guy who would visit me a couple of times a week and to whom I would never otherwise speak or whom I would never see on any other occasion. Within a short few weeks I began to feel like a complete whore, and that feeling still haunts me today. And yet I was a little more honest back then and enjoyed it for what I was getting out of it, given he was after all very good looking and rather intelligent. It wasn't, however, anywhere near enough, and in my naive little mind I always hoped it would develop into something more than what it was. Then of course there was the gorgeous British/Mauritian boy who took me completely for a ride and did indeed make me feel like a whore, mostly so when he finally admitted to having a boyfriend, whom I later met, with a heart full of shame and disgust in the boy and in myself. This too was one of those relationships, if you can call it that since really it was just a one night stand that happened a few times over with the same person, which obviously had no future from day one but which I continued regardless, until I could take no more. I confuse myself by what I do sometimes. Unfortunately it seems more and more apparent that I have little hope of finding someone on scene that fits my bill, but hope does go on. And it really is hope that drives me out to Connies night after night, in what is comparable to an extended study of a strange race of people. Every now and then a face will stand out from the crowd and attract my attention, at which point the study begins in the form of careful and concealed observation of that person and their friends. Being the way I am, however, I rarely go past that point because it does not take much to dishearten me somehow under those lights and in that atmosphere people's flaws seem to be heightened to some tremendous degree. Either that or I will slowly but surely convince myself that I am over-reaching and that I should be looking at someone a little more at my level, though what that is exactly I still don't know.
July 15, 1997
Only a few days after I made my resolution to sober up from the inebriation of past loves something good from the past has begun to resurface. When what little happened with this person happened I was confused and rather upset because it had seemed to have stalled, as many things do. What was most frustrating about this particular occasion however, was the little sense it made, as there was no explanation for the ceasing of all activity when it occurred. This continued for quite a while, until one night an explanation was finally given to me, and not only did it make a lot more sense but it also made me feel a lot better. I felt that this person was a good friend who had finally entrusted me with information regarding him and his life that I felt was precious. Just last night, when in a fit of boredom I powered up the old clunker of a PC that we have at home and proceeded to connect to IRC, I found him on. I was tempted over and over again to just go back to whatever tedious affair was showing on Monday night television by my ever-crashing PC. I'm glad I kept logging back on over and over, until a good friend of his messaged me and had a frank discussion with me about our mutual friend. I don't know exactly what's happening, and I don't know what is going to happen, but I do know that something will happen. I've never approached any relationship feeling the way I do now, and I have rarely practiced my long time preaching belief that friends make better lovers than strangers. This boy is kind, cute and sweet, with a shyness and seeming vulnerability that scares me a little, not in respect to me but rather in respect to him. Basically I'm afraid of hurting him by dredging up his past. I almost feel a little too much responsibility, but I hope to be good for him, because I'd really love to make him happy.
August 19, 1997
Another one of those rare nights at home tonight, mostly due to an upset stomach and a strange tiredness that has hit me inspite of the fact that I had plenty of sleep last night. I think I may be coming down with something again and maybe deep down I hope I am, because I could really do with a rest right now. I haven't written to this diary for a while, I've been much too busy at work, my brother having left me to run the place while he was having fun in Europe for 5 weeks. He came back to work today and work has finally calmed down a little. Unfortunately with him has also returned a certain blandness. It's very cold these days, and every night I rug up and go outside my apartment to sit on the stairs for a few minutes while I smoke a cigarette or two without saturating my house with smoke. As I did this tonight I noticed a certain difference from the last time I did so. During those few quiet relaxing moments I'm generally hit by worries about the next day, as well as any reflections I may need to have about the day that has just passed. Tonight there was nothing inside me saying that I really didn't want to go to work tomorrow in the way that it usually did. That worry about the next day being too stressful or difficult has been replaced by a fear that the coming day will be too boring to contemplate and will feel like an eternity, so much more so now that I've had the run of the place for a while than it ever did before my brother left in the first place. Perhaps the time has finally come to actually make a decision regarding my future. I'm still intent on going back to studies, that has not changed, but alas, I'm no closer to knowing what I want to study than I was months ago. Something inside me wants to get on with it and do something with my life, and yet there are aspects of my mind that are enjoying the depressing aspects of my current life and the seeming lack of future if no change occurs soon. On a more personal level, I keep discovering different aspects of my personality that are slowly showing me that I'm really not the person I thought I was, and that it may just be that everything I have always wanted may be, perhaps, too cliché for me to accept. The basic truth of the matter is that I have always wanted a lasting relationship and a partner that would make me feel special (and all that stuff that TV soaps are made of). Then again on all but one occasion having found myself in that very situation I've gone and thrown it away on some pathetic excuse or just because it 'didn't quite feel right'. I've now begun to try to understand exactly why it is that I seem to go through this time and time again, and while I do believe I'm not really any closer to the answer, I do recognise an advantage in having begun the thinking process. Needless to say my last relationship is over, hopefully in the best way possible. We never really got past the initial stage, and I'm putting my money on the fact that this happened because we were good friends beforehand and shared a few too many secrets with one another before attempting to reach a greater height, thereby making us just too close to be together. Not that a couple should not be that close, but perhaps some things should only be discussed at a certain time in a relationship, and no earlier. There's so much more I want to say, and yet I feel stumped. I'm going to have to continue this later, hopefully tomorrow night.
August 20, 1997
I've just been to see the play my mother directed at UWA, and during it, or rather during one of the intermissions I received some food for thought from a woman outside who was kind enough to light my cigarette. At 50 years of age this woman had just been dumped for the first time by her boyfriend, for whom she had a few years ago left her then husband. As I sat there listening to her comment on how her attitude had changed in regards to relationships and loves it struck me that in half the time it took her I've learned all that she was talking about. I guess I've had a pretty full life, but again not as full as some. She made a point of telling me never to belittle my pain as it is always the full extent of the pain I can feel. According to her there is no point in saying that one's pain could never compare to that experienced by someone who has, for example, lost a limb, because it's all relative to one's situation. Afterwards as I made my way to the car I called Andrew and Stella who had by that stage left a number of incomprehensible messages on my voicemail. They happened to be driving very close to where I was and drove in to say hello on their way home. As I stood there trying to talk to them inspite of their advanced state of inebriation something struck me. I was looking forward to coming home and posing myself the same question I've posed myself time and time again "what do I want?" so as to comment about it in this diary. And having them there and the woman's words echoing in my mind I realised the idiocy in asking myself that so many times, and wondered how I could have been so stupid not to have come sooner to the realisation that was beginning to become obvious. What I want is not an issue and it's not a question worth answering, or at least not so consistently. The answers I kept giving myself changed so often that I now recognise it as a way of rationalising my actions. Somehow consciously thinking about what I wanted made it all right for me to act on that desire. What I should have been asking myself all along is "what do I really need?" and this is a considerably more difficult question to pose oneself. Having more or less successfully resigned myself to Andrew's loss, it is still quite obvious that the happiest time in my life was due to something he had or did. I figure now that whatever that was is what I need. Already this is a big change from saying that all I want is Andrew, because I know full well that I need Andrew as a friend and most probably not as anything else, after all who wants to be left twice by the same person? So what is it that Andrew had that made me react that way to him? I think this one will take a little thinking...
August 21, 1997
It's Thursday night and I've just come home from Trade, where the usual hoard of cute boys paraded themselves in front of one another. Same old thing week in week out. It occurred to me tonight that the scene is a lot more fun when one is on it with someone who fulfils one's needs enough not to want anyone else or even consider the idea, which means that all the parading an flirting goes unnoticed and one can concentrate on enjoying the company of one's friends and the music. The thought of what I've been writing about over the last couple of days has been haunting me constantly, and yet I still find myself no closer to a resolution. Speaking to my friend Daniel on the phone today my focus was however shifted from one that was completely self absorbed to a broader one that included my friends and their respective problems. In a way it's comforting to see everyone struggling with their own problems because it tends to make oneself more globally proportioned.
August 22, 1997
Faced with a boring sleepy night, I instead opted to go shopping with Andrew and Stella. The shopping took about two minutes and we then headed out to have a coffee somewhere. All the conversations I've had with anyone at all over the last few days have been about the same things I've been writing about, and this one was no different. Perhaps we're all inspired to reflect on relationships and love because spring is approaching and we feel we need to be ready... Inspite of the cold coffee was pleasant, and amongst the many realms this conversation explored was that of Andrew and his mother, still at odds with one another. Mostly due to Andrew's constant attempts to make the situation sound less serious than it is and his reluctance to talk about it, I had been led to believe that everything was going rather well between the two of them. Was I ever wrong. As I listen to Andrew talk about this I still hear my own mother telling me the same things, word for word, and I worry about what will happen to them, and most of all to Andrew. It's probably about time for me to write about my own mother and her reaction to my coming out. Consider please that my mother was brought up in a strict and very religious catholic family. Mother never had the luck of being told that her son was gay, she merely came across some reading material I would carry around in my school bag which was carelessly left on the kitchen bench one day and assumed. After walking around the house for two days on the brink of tears trying to find a way of dealing with this, she finally burst into a tearful "Are you gay?" which caught me completely by surprise. I could have lied s easily, and she would have believed even the most feeble excuse as she really wanted to believe it, but I didn't. I had recently come out to some friends who had reacted extremely well and I was riding high on the exhilaration that one feels when the lies can finally stop, so I told her the truth, and regretted it almost immediately. The groping for a reason, or an excuse or factor on which to lay blame began from that moment, even while the tears still flowed freely. Immediately blame rested on the Internet, and my father, and the 'boys only' school I was sent to, and the fact that I practically grew up with my mother and sister alone. Then the idea that I had had bad experiences with girls, "You've just not found the right one yet!" or that I may just be socially inept. After all my mother was never shy about hurting someone's feelings at the worst possible time. Of course this was not done with the slightest hint of understanding, but with a tone of voice that one would expect from a judge talking to a murderer. I had my mother follow me around the house, moving from room to room asking me questions I had never imagined I would ever hear from my mother. I had barely talked about dating with my mother, and here she was asking me wether I had had sex with girls, or guys. Could I 'perform' with girls? What was wrong with it? Just what made me think that I was gay? And then came the stage where she really didn't care to here many of my answers any-more because this was simply something that a good priest and a psychologist could eradicate in a flash. Someone made a good point in saying that Christians believe that if you disregard something that you know is there, it will eventually go away. Well in my mother's case she could never disregard it, so by minimising it's importance she was hoping to achieve the same result. Through all this she exclusively used the most humiliating, insulting terms she could master. The word 'filth' still rings a bell that takes me back to that conversation every time I hear it. Gay people were freaks and I was an idiot for thinking I was one of them, because of course I wasn't. I was apparently doing this just to hurt her. When she finally became convinced that I actually was, she blamed me for making such a horrid choice. After yet another exhausting conversation I got her to believe that it wasn't a choice, and here the argument changed to blaming me for not having fought with enough anguish these impulses I was feeling in the beginning when I still could have changed the course of my life. But without a doubt the climax of our frustration was celebrated by her decision that since this shameful immoral decision was to send me straight to hell I would be better advised to kill myself as quickly as possible. Now when your mother tells you something like that one cannot help considering it. I was on the freeway one day driving at top speed and considering the logistics of driving into a large concrete barrier when, realising what I was doing, I decided it was time to get away from mother. Through all this I had no gay friends to rely on for support, no links to counselling, no-one to talk to who could have cared in the slightest or come close to understanding. My only acquaintances were from the Internet, and unable to talk of this with anyone, I opted to publish a short piece in an electronic newsgroup, which I titled "My Mother Wants me to Kill Myself". The response I received from my short article was breathtaking to say the least. Within the space of 3 days I had received about 80 wonderful replies from people throughout the world, and I can safely say that reading through these long and wonderful letters that complete strangers had sent me out of the goodness of their heart in the one thing that kept me sane and focussed at the time. Mother then left for Rome, a trip I talked her out of cancelling, and I was out of the house the day before she came back. Today I look at that move as the best I ever made, but I do think that I would still be in uni, close to finishing my degree now, and I would have been more comfortable and happy, had my mother not unwittingly forced me out of the house. I pray that this won't happen to Andrew.
August 24, 1997
Another brake-up last night, the second in two weeks. The first was Aaron, and that was more of an implied one after some weeks of absence. I'm not quite sure what happened there but I'm assuming it is because of the strange feeling that had struck me, one that made Aaron feel more like a brother to me than anything else. The second casualty was Dan, and that happened because of what I've been pondering over the last few days. The group went out again last night, and for once we had a great bunch of people out enjoying great music. It's night like last night that make me love what I get out of the scene, though like I have already explained, when we go out we form our own independent scene and enjoy it inspite of what seems to be happening around us. The night did however have a terribly sad end with the frank but progressive conversation I had with Dan before going home. My resolution as of last night is to have a much clearer idea of what I need before I commit to anything any-more. If you've read this diary thoroughly or you know me well this may sound silly, but I don't think I'll be seeing anyone on a regular basis for a while. My relationships are still defined by the one that was successful in my eyes. I believe I know why that one didn't work out, and I know that if I ever find a person like him again I won't waste the opportunity like I did the first time around. Until that person crosses my path I will not try to make someone else into what he was. It's incredibly frustrating having so little control over one's life.
August 31, 1997
I'm feeling myself slipping, I feel that I'm loosing it all. I've not been able to write what's been happening over the last few days because I lost Merv's (well actually Adrian's) laptop temporarily), but so much has happened. My new way of thinking had led me to realise that the thing I needed, the thing I had been thinking and writing about over the last few entries was indeed something I'd had and lost. The more I thought about it the more I realised that it was this thing that I was missing so terrible, it was this thing that I had been comparing everything to, and it was this that nothing had and never could match. Andrew. I have spent the last eight months trying to convince myself that I was or was getting over Andrew, with the general misconceived idea that the more I didn't think about it the easier it would be to get over him. I remember writing about this in the past and thinking that I was mature and intelligent enough to understand that there was no possibility of anything being rekindled and that hence it was pointless and destructive to be thinking about it at all. I had even convinced myself that it was working. I thought that having been with a generous number of people since also meant that I was over it all. Finally it struck me that I could not have been any more wrong. It was logic that made me bottle everything up until it was practically gone, except for the odd explosion that would hurt tremendously but only until I put it all back and forgot about it again. It was logic that made me take that bottle off the shelf and open it willingly, generating the biggest explosion yet. Idiotically I thought talking about it with a friend would help put these emotions away for good, still driven by the knowledge that there was no hope for any rekindling of past loves. I chose to talk about this with one of Andrew's best friends, simply because I knew she'd know exactly what I was talking about. But instead of helping me settle, I became addicted to talking about this with her, almost obsessed, to the point where I realised that talking about it so much made me feel like I had him back in some strange, contorted way. I began to be tempted to talk to him about it all, and up to a couple of days ago I was actually intent on telling him how I still felt to get the rejection I felt I needed to get him out of my mind, as though the first rejection hadn't been enough. Perhaps I still felt like there was something there from his part as well as mine, and needed the truth spelled out for me more bluntly. In the end I never did get a chance because having been put in a very difficult position the mutual friend told him what we had been talking about all along, and the last shred of control I was clinging to in this whole strange and frustrating situation flew out the window. I then had to talk to him to explain myself. I had by that stage found out a couple of things that only made this more difficult, like the fact that only a few days before Andrew himself had thought about telling me the same thing, and then changed his mind because he thought the better of it. This gave me some idea of what the conclusion to all this was going to be. Since then there has been an enormous amount of talking, and I feel that with every word me and Andrew say to one another we become closer, while the gap between us increases. I don't know how to explain that in any clearer way, perhaps in a couple of days I'll be able to explain that. And now here I am, with his jumper in my lap, writing this at some ungodly hour of the night, worried as hell. I am exactly where I did not want to be, waiting for Andrew to tell me wether he thinks it would be a good or a bad idea for us to begin seeing each other again, and obviously fearing the worse. So what have I realised through all this? well actually not much. That's what really frustrates me, knowing that there is no reason for how I feel about Andrew, but just feeling it. I fluctuate from terribly altruistic, almost martyr-like moods where all I want is Andrew's happiness irrespectively of what that will mean for me to just simply wanting him back at all costs. I know he could never find someone, anyone who could possibly feel any more strongly about him than me but I also know that this is not all that is needed. One needs someone who is capable of making one happy, and love doesn't necessarily mean happiness. I felt I should write this tonight because we are reaching the end of all this talking, and a conclusion looms over the horizon. I have a very bad feeling about what is about to happen, and I'm looking forward to a sleepless night and a very long day tomorrow. My God I hate feeling like this, this is just not me any-more... Andrew was hiding tears tonight when we and Stella had coffee. I am not sure what they were due to, but somehow all I can think of is the worst. Perhaps I am subconsciously preparing myself for a fall, which I guess is wise, but frankly I can safely say that no amount of mental preparation is going to make this any easier to take. I am not certain what will happen and how I will react, but I know something drastic will happen. I've been considering moving away from Perth, because I can see no other way of dealing with this. I know I will not be able to cope without his at least occasional presence but then again, I am not sure that I would be able to deal with having it.
September 3, 1997
It's amazing how one afternoon can change a person's perspective developed over the best part of a year. It's also amazing how volatile feelings are, irrespectively of how set we really believe these are. Anyway, all this happened yesterday, and it was undoubtedly the most humiliating afternoon I can remember, ever. I was still feeling terrible from the night before, when, feeling about as low as ever, I took to a bottle of wine, idiotically enough to stop myself from smoking too much. I had spoken to Stella, my confidant over the last 2 weeks twice already that afternoon, each time becoming more amazed at my idiocy for pursuing love for a boy and not knowing why. I decided to take the afternoon off because I had become an absolute pain in the ass here, snapping at everyone and doing little work anyway. I called Stella and met her in town for coffee at 2pm, where I found her with a Tickle me Elmo doll she had bought for me to cheer me up. I thought that was about the hottest thing anyone had done for me in ages. We got to our regular coffee place and proceeded to fall into the same conversation we have redigested a thousand times already. We were still there at 9pm, when Raf, Andrew's first ex joined us for dinner. The conversation continued relentlessly, and more revelations were being brought to my attention by the minute... lovely cheery things like the fact that Andrew had only really seen me in the beginning of our relationship as a way into the scene and into a group... basically a way to meet people. One thing took the cake though, and I can't seem to shake the anger it has provoked in me. During the two weeks of holidays I had during the Christmas break I went back to work occasionally to make some furniture for my new apartment. One day I took Andrew with me, and not wanting him to be bored, I connected to the net, introduced him to IRC and left him in the office while I worked in the workshop. Here Andrew proceeded to chat away to a few people, amongst whom was a friend of mine who has been with his own boyfriend for 6 or so years now. The conversation soon became raunchy and suggestive, and in parts ridiculed me. I was in the next room... Stella told me about this, because he was proud enough of this to tell her all about it after it happened, only a half hour before Andrew eventually joined us at the cafe. I didn't want to believe it had ever reached this point, and rushed off back to the office to look through my conversation logs. Finding it was easy, understanding what had happened was even easier, accepting it was impossible. My hands started shaking and my heart rate doubled. I was hurt, disappointed and so very angry. I printed it out and rushed off back to the cafe, where Andrew Stella and Raf were waiting for me, Stella and Raf knowing that something very bad was about to happen. I drove like a fool, blinded by my frustration and anger, and got back there in half the time it took me to get to the office in the first place. I was running through what to say to Andrew in my head, what questions to ask, ways to maximise the impact. When I turned up all I could to was sit there for a couple of minutes trying to get my hands to stop shaking, and failing that I simply placed the conversation log on top of something else he was reading. Any expression disappeared from Stella and Raf's face, they sat there waiting. Andrew read through the first page, at first looking rather serious, and then smiling. Looking up he said "You're not actually taking this seriously" so I Asked him about something else Stella had told me. Yes, it does get worse, because that very night we had organised a dinner with a few people, and only ended up sitting at the table behind the one we were sitting at when all this was happening. This wonderful friend of mine was there with his own boyfriend. It was the day after Christmas. Andrew sat next to my friend, I was on the other side of him. The two of them caressed each other's legs and played footsies under the table as their respective boyfriends sat on either side of them. Finding this out, bringing it to Andrew's attention and getting no reaction, no explanation and no answers infuriated me. I confronted Andrew with this in front of Stella and Raf, possibly the two most important people in his life right now, and still no reaction. All he did was ask me wether there was a difference between being with someone who one didn't want or being with someone who wasn't what one wanted. I'm still not certain what that means or which one of the two I was supposed to be, but my answer at the time was that had he explained that difference earlier, it would have spared me months of pain and idiotic thoughts. Then he left, his final words being "I'll see you around". Somehow all I am left with is tremendous shame and hideous anger. Andrew's face actually changed when I began to talk to him, not physically but in the way I saw it. He's a different person from the one I knew and our whole relationship was nothing but a humiliating farce. And now he's left with nothing. He has no idea just how big a mistake he has made, and he certainly cannot imagine just what he has lost from me and from his other friends. He's not the special person I thought he was, he's not 'different'. He's just like every other slut on the scene, but he's a better liar and he's incredibly scared of being found out, or at least he was until yesterday. I have reached resolution. These feelings are easy to deal with when compared with those they are replacing. I'm still not sure what attitude I'm about to adopt, but things are looking up, I can finally see an end to this torture which until yesterday looked endless. But it is difficult to become adjusted to the fact that some very strong feelings that I had become so accustomed to have disappeared. I'm feeling rather empty but I'm sure I'll recover quickly. I don't think I can say the same for Andrew. This has, if nothing else, saved me quite a bit of money. Andrew and his brother are booked on a 'bonding trip' to Europe, and he had expressed some interest in meeting me in Rome on his way through. Like an idiot I jumped at the chance of spending a few days with him in a place like Rome, or perhaps arranging lunch in Paris on new year's day. Uh-hu...
September 7, 1997
The last couple of days have been even more confusing than those I've written about till now. I'm stuck not knowing what to think and how to feel, but even more so I'm confused by what is going through Andrew's head. I gained a different insight into the whole situation having spoken to Daniel who, possibly inspired by the incredibly sweet love story he is currently living through with Kris, put a different spin on the whole thing. I liked the argument he raised about eight months having passed since this all happened, which could make one assume that some change has occurred, particularly in light of some of the things Andrew has told me of late. I liked a lot of the things he said in fact, and I realised that I really didn't want to dislike Andrew at all. Now I'm in a most painful situation, waiting for Andrew to return my phone-calls, but at least I'm not waiting endless hours by the phone, cancelling appointments with my friends just in case he rang, while he never did. His motivation for saying what he said to me of late is what puzzles me, because if everything I think of him is true then none of it makes any sense. He told me that while he is unsure of the situation at present he can't see his more remote future without me. I guess that makes some sense, given almost everyone needs some time to sow one's oats in the smuttiest of ways to understand what it is that they want out of life and relationships. Well sure, let him play, and sad as though it may be, I may even be willing to wait for him. But I would need some indication that he is worth it all, and while I certainly thought he was until last week, this week I'm not so sure. This is the deal: I don't want to hate Andrew, and I want to give him every opportunity I can to explain himself, and most of all explain while he was being so affectionate towards me last week. The last week will have effected this in one of two ways, either embarrassing or angering him into not wanting to explain himself any-more and really just plain resenting me, or perhaps forcing him to open up to me and become more honest about what he is feeling. I'm hoping for the latter, thought my hope is about has weak as my ego has become over the last week. I called his house on Friday night and left a message with his brother asking him to call me back when he got home, but I never got a call. I convinced myself that he hadn't been given the message, after all none of his friends are really welcome at his house any-more, especially the gay ones, and called him back the next morning, yesterday, the day before fathers' day. He said he was busy that afternoon, because he had to go shopping for a present for his dad. Fair enough, I was expecting that very response. Once again I asked him to give me a call when he could, to which his response was "Really?" followed immediately by "OK, I'll give you a call... bye." Maybe someone else was in the room, or maybe he just didn't care, I don't know and I don't want to make guesses, I don't want to convince myself of one or the other until I have spoken to him. On the other hand one would think that if he insisted on not returning my calls then his opinion would be quite clear without having to explain it to me in overly complex terms. But who is Andrew talking to now? What is he up to? Until now I had an open channel of information through Stella in whom he confided constantly and shamelessly. Now that channel has been closed and with it, seemingly, all communications with anyone at all. Has he finally given in to all his mother's ranting and, feeling that his friends have abandoned him, is he simply free-wheeling until he eventually comes to a stop in a random state of mind that he can blame someone else for? Why do I insist in making Andrew's every problem my own? As I see it, it's because I have so many of the answers Andrew needs, but can't give them to him because they are not the kind of questions one can ask. It is difficult to have no control over a situation, but never more so than when you know what a person needs to do but you're unable to convince them of it. Right now I'm not even sure I should suggest any of these answers to him, and when it all comes down I'm quite sure he's fully aware of them all anyway, but is simply too weak. Or perhaps I don't know shit, perhaps I'm fooling and deluding myself, convincing myself of the existence of alternatives to the obvious truth because I really don't want to accept it the way it is. Last Saturday Merv organized a picnic at Churchman Brook Dam for his birthday. About a dozen of us went, including Andrew and Stella, Dan, Paul and Glen, Jodi and a bunch of others. We all got severely drunk and I was in shape to drive back, so Dan eagerly offered to drive. Me, Andrew and Stella sat in the back, Jodi taking the front seat. I know how frustrating it can be to have someone that you really don't want to be overly close to be too friendly, and I was doing my best to keep the right distance between me and Andrew. I was drunk, but knew what I was doing. Andrew was sitting between me and Stella, and when we piled into the car my arm came to rest in his lap. Deciding that was probably inappropriate I moved it to his side, but he grabbed it and placed it back. Puzzled, I left it there. He dozed off and his head came to rest on my shoulder. Once again, I remembered the way things were between us and sighed. remember, this was before the events of last Thursday. We eventually got back to Perth, dropped Dan off to meet Kris at Court, and went on back to my house. We put Andrew to bed and I took Jodi to work. When I got back I sat talking to Stella a while, checking on Andrew every few minutes. At six I decided to wake him up so he could call his parents and tell them that he wouldn't be home for dinner. I was sitting by the side of the bed as he did so, then we started to talk. A few minutes into the conversation he told me to 'hop in' motioning to the empty side of the bed. Thinking 'what the hell' I did so, and the conversation continued. Again he took my arms and wrapped himself in them, then buried his face between the pillow and mine, his warm breath on my neck, telling me the same things we had been talking about for a long time now, indicating if nothing else, that I was in some way still important to him. But the conversation was mostly made up of statements he made and then tried to either take back or explain in such a way that made them sound unimportant. We were up there for quite a while, and hearing no noise coming from the room, Stella took off home in a taxi. I only realised this when I went downstairs to check up on her, and as I went back upstairs and laid down again, I thought to myself that that was the first time me and Andrew had been alone like that since we had broken up. Mervyn got home after a while, and seeing us through the open door prompted him to yell "oh wow, it's just like new year's!" The two of us had spent a similar evening on new year's eve, talking in bed. Andrew had explained to me only a few hours before that the last happy time he remembers with me was that night. How opportune Merv. Dammit Andrew, why aren't you calling me?! Well what else is happening in my life right now? A few of us went out last night, and for me it was the first time back at Connies for at least a couple of weeks. I went to Trade last Thursday and didn't really enjoy it too much. Right now having Daniel around, not the Dan and Kris Daniel, but the other Daniel, with whom I broke up a couple of weeks back, is bothering me. For one thing he follows me out every night he's out with us and follows me to the car until I ask him wether he needs a lift, at which he just nods. Aside from that he is still by his own admission hung up over me, which is difficult for me to understand after a five day relationship, and keeps writing to me and calling me to tell me about it. Naturally if I had any incentive to talk to someone or even do more, it would not go down well and I'd never hear the end of it, but regardless I would never have the strength to do that while he's constantly looking at me. The only reason I'm writing about this now is that I've finally decided to remove this diary from the public forum that it has been on since it was first conceived. The events of the last few weeks have made me decide to reduce the access to a selected few. Anyway, last night at Connies Trevor, the cute blond well built boy, once married now divorced, once again chatted to me and danced with me. Had Dan not been around and had I been in a more arousing mood there may have been a chance for a nice night there but I never did get to test that notion, and frankly I'm not feeling the worse for it. Nothing else of any interest really.
September 9, 1997
A couple of very long days later, still no word from Andrew. I hate to say it but this is still driving me insane. I want him to explain to me that he had some reason for what he did, or some kind of explanation, or at lest I want him to tell me that he's changed. The fact that he's not bothering to call me only makes me think that he doesn't care and doesn't believe that it is worth his while to salvage our friendship. It may be that he is ashamed or embarrassed, but that does not seem like a logic reaction for the Andrew I know. Then again, Do I know him at all?
I think I'm going to have to call him again tonight, for the third time. I feel like I'm begging him to talk to me, which I hate, but I'm tired of waiting.
September 15, 1997
I wrote him a letter a few days ago, having failed in my last attempt to reach him and having heard that he was indeed avoiding my calls purposely:
September 10, 1997 Anyway, still no answer. I'm feeling so unbelievably relieved I can't begin to believe it. I've actually lost all traces of interest in Andrew or in his well-being. I'm so over him it's just amazing and I am getting on with life.Well I have to admit, you really had me going there. I look back now and I can't help wonder how I could ever have been so stupid as to actually think what I thought of you, and to fall in love with you.
To think that at some stage there was actually something there, wow, what a joke. And to remember you accusing me defensively that I thought you never felt anything for me and telling me I was wrong... what an insult.
Idiotically on my part I have managed to excuse, explain and rationalise everything you ever did till your slate was clean once again, just as I have done since the first day I met you, not that you were ever transparent enough for me to know that you were doing something horrible behind my back at the time, because you were so good at what you were doing, and at hiding it.
I'm not sure what to put in here, as this may be the last time you get to hear anything from me (is that a cheer I hear?) so I'll have to take my time and put it all in. I'd like to set the mood by first telling you that I'm feeling relaxed and resolved, albeit incredibly angry, not at what you did, but at your inherent unwillingness to even admit that it ever happened and deal with it.
I realise now that what I thought was a calm, carefully thought out approach to conflict that worked in your favour was never anything more than tip-towing around obstacles and continuing to run, maybe taking a different course this time, one less likely to contain obstacles. Your mother, Stella, Cameron, me, your latest return to the straight scene, all ample proof of this. I can almost hear you yelling out that you like what you do now, that your latest ventures are the result of a conscious choice. I don't hesitate to believe that, but I'm not sure that you can say the same.
And I hear you've thought of me as a slut for a while, and yet you envy my life so, as you've insistently reminded me. Yet you have no idea what my life is like, and you have no concept of what going through what I've been through in the last few months can be like. What's more, you have no idea how easily you could have avoided it all, and if you could begin to understand just how much pain your ultimate betrayal has caused me, you might reconsider your actions over the last few days. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not talking about the pathetic Glen thing, I'm talking about you refusing to return my calls, you refusing to offer some small explanation.
And let me clear another thing up, I have no need for an explanation regarding what happened when we were together (how strange saying that seems now), I need the last few weeks explained. I want to know what your words meant, when telling me that you could see me somewhere in your future, and these realisations you've been having, though you never offered any further explanations regarding them.
Do you have any idea what you are loosing? Please, think about it for a second. Do you realise what your pride has just caused you to do? You don't want to offer any explanation... and that is enough to rub me and many of your friends out of your life? Perhaps you think that if you leave it long enough you'll be able to come back and everyone will have forgotten about it. Well sadly you are probably right, most people will have forgotten about it, and I'm happy to know that you will eventually be all-right. In regards to me however, well don't be so sure.
Right now I just want to tear my heart out because I don't want to write what I'm about to write. I still feel very strongly for you, if I didn't I would not be bothering with this obsessive letter. It is these feelings, which right now I can't but think you are thoroughly undeserving of, that are causing such anger to well up in me. How the hell can you just discard me like this, if only as a friend? How can you care so little.
And I realise it really isn't my business, but hey, I may never get to talk to you again (which is entirely up to you) but how can you be happy knowing that you're giving up so much, regarding your sexuality and your long term resolve, by giving in to you mother so fervently? How can she have subdued you to this extent? And why do you think I care enough to ask this, regardless of the fact that I know I'm never going to be answered...
All I wanted of you was an explanation, nothing more, and not one of what I might think of as some difficult subjects for you to tackle, but of the more recent, simpler things. I don't see it is much, just something that I think I'm owed
Regarding the confrontation at Voltures, I have since regretted taking the course of action I took, but you can't begin to imagine what that log did to me. In one very fowl swoop all the things I had resisted believing about you that far crashed desperately into reality, and I don't think a knife in my back would have hurt as much. And all of a sudden nothing you had said to me till then made any sense at all. Up to that point I had seen such hope for rekindling nothing more than a deep friendship, at a time when you seemed to need some extra support from your friends. Sure, I was still, as I had been for a long time, desperately and idiotically in love with you, but I was never deranged enough to think that you really had any intention of going that far. I left that to my dreams.
And hence you might begin to understand how hurt I was by the realisation that all the things you said to me of late, some very sweet and of such warmth that brought tears to my eyes time and again were lies. And I did say "might begin to" because believe me, you have no chance of knowing just to what extent it really did hurt. But if that wasn't enough, your refusal to return my calls was, and the situation crossed the line from bearable to hideously unbearable.
Well this is your last chance to explain. I've done what I can and can do no more. I can't help but feel that, in spite of the bashing my ego has received over the last few weeks, I deserve so much better than to be treated like this. After all, it seems to me that all I've done to deserve this from you was care too much and being too trusting. How tragically dramatic this all is. Should you choose to disregard this completely and get on with life, well I shan't bother you any-more. But whatever you do, don't feel any comfort in thinking that you'll be doing me some sort of favour by not responding and staying out of my life, and don't think of it as a gallant thing to do. Maybe I'm being absurd just thinking that you'd actually go so far as to think that way because when it' all said and done, I don't think you care. Should I still not hear from you, you will simply be forever sealed in my mind as the most heartless, cowardly little boy that ever crossed my path. Please don't make this the only memory I'll have of you.
There is so much more that I'd like to write but I think I'm already well passed your caring threshold. Whatever you decide to do, look after yourself, don't give in to anyone else's ideas but yours, and learn something from all this.
Love
Andy
September 17, 1997
The weather is getting very nice, finally it is a pleasure to leave the house in the morning and the windows are staying open till we go to sleep. I've been waiting for this for a long time now, winter having become too much of a drag. With the shedding of the great weight I was carrying around thanks to Andrew I have begun again, in one of those rare times when I feel totally empowered and free to make choices wisely.
I've met someone new, just on a friendly basis but I think he's pretty cool. I am however growing weary of him as I do have an inherent fear of being strung along as I have been over the last year and I do think he's trying to do the same thing, given he does know I think he's pretty cool. His name is Steve and he is one of the best looking guys I have ever had a decent conversation with. Unfortunately he has a huge ego strangely combined with low self esteem. He also happens to be hung up about his ex, who left for Melbourne after a somewhat intense 3 week relationship only about a month or so ago. I am beginning to think I'm even bothering with this just for the challenge because when it all comes down to it he's a rather obnoxious and frustrating. Then again I think I've proven more than enough that I am indeed a glutton for punishment.
Last night I met Adrian on IRC, a seemingly nice guy, very sweet and lively, even if a little young. He seems mature for his age and keen to meet up. I'd like to get to know him, we seem to share similar views on what we want out of life and relationships and apparently he's very cute. I only really got to know him last night, though we had spoken before at least on IRC. Strangely enough for me I actually remembered him from way back, he must have made some impression on me. I don't know him very well yet, but I look forward to getting to know him much better.
Last night was actually pretty bad, because Steve had angered and upset me considerably with his apathy. Adrian cheered me up enormously after that and just for that I think he's a sweetie. I would have had a shit night had it not been for him. Man I still do let things bother me too much.
September 22, 1997
What an interesting week it's been. I am having an absolute ball, I'm facing difficult but pleasant decisions, money is coming in steadily, work is going well and the weather is fantastic!
Where to begin... well first the more unpleasant aspects of the week, on Thursday afternoon I finally received Andrew's phone call, and an unexpectedly pathetic response it was. He completely missed the point of the letter and had actually prepared a written response that he proceeded to read out to me over the phone. He told me lots of wonderful things, like the fact that it was stupid of me to suggest that he was only with me to gain an entry into the scene because when it all came down to it, he really never liked any of my friends. And of course he never did envy my life, and most of all the relationship I have with my mother and of all things, my financial situation. Lots of pleasant things like that, and he just plodded through his little written statement, not even stopping to allow me to comment here and there. After I while I just relaxed and listened to it all, trying my best to stay calm. In the end I asked him if I could say a thing or two, and I had to do so quickly because it sounded like he was going to hang up almost immediately after finishing his patronising speech.
I explained how well I was doing, I explained that I was not on what he described as a sinking ship that he had been lucky enough to jump off, I explained that my ship was sailing on and doing so at great speed now that his heavy weight was no longer on it, and that I felt great. I wished him all the best and said goodbye. He said in a rather surprised tone that he felt the same way, again I said goodbye and hung up. Oh the joy of closure, I do feel great!
And I have a few good reasons to feel great, as it's been a great week on both an emotional and physical level. Apart from some success at Trade which earned me a hard night and the darkest, biggest love-byte I think I've ever not only had but seen, I met Adrian, who came out with us on Saturday. It was his first time out to any scene place, or for that matter, his second time ever in a club. I picked him up from his house and was struck, before anything else, by his looks. He had told me that it had been suggested to him to become a model of sorts. Whoever suggested that was right, the boy is gorgeous. When we got to the Court, the first place I took him to meet some people that he already knew from the Net, he was nervous as hell, but he relaxed quickly and aside from hiding from someone he knew from school, everything was cool. When we got to Connies he reacted about as well as I could have hoped, dancing, chatting and having a good time with a relaxed, uninhibited attitude.
What most impressed me about the whole thing is the fact that some very nice people, friends I value, knew and liked him, talked to him, and he talked back. Daniel and Kris were not out that night, and he hasn't met them in real life yet, which is a pity because they're the ones I most wanted him to meet, but it seems Kris and he chat regularly and Kris too has a high opinion of him. I'm so impressed.
Then again I was to be surprised even more after the Club. It was late, I had to work the next day, he was clear with his folks to get home the next day and he lives on the way to work anyway, so we agreed that he'd spend the night at my place. He opted in favour of sharing my bed when asked to choose between it and the couch, but we set up a while longer chatting about this first night out for him. I was impressed by the maturity of his ideas, uncharacteristic for someone who is relatively young.
Knowing that I would be picking him up and showing him around all day, and knowing I was going to be faced with an intelligent and apparently very good looking boy I had promised myself that I would not allow myself to get involved with him physically. I am still trying to sort a thing or two out, not the least of which is Steve, who has gone to New Norcia with his old school for a few days and will soon be on his way to Melbourne to visit his 'not-so-ex'. Me and Adrian went to bed, and continued to talk. I was getting the impression that he didn't want to go to sleep, every once in a while he'd bring something else up, which I loved. Nothing is quite like talking in bed. He lay close to me, and every time he spoke I could feel his warm breath on my neck. Soon his leg was atop mine and my arm rested on his, our hands moving slowly within one another's.
Somehow being faced with this made me loose all traces of the resolution I'd held on to all afternoon, and we kissed. For someone with relatively limited experience, Adrian was very good indeed. In the time that followed this kiss I was time and again surprised by his actions, all once again uncharacteristic of someone his age and of such limited experience. I was absolutely astounded, and I still am. I can't remember as good a night in a long time.
I was out again last night, with a whole lot of great people. Daniel was out without poor Kris who is getting ready for exams, and it was his birthday. I kept thinking all night that I would really have liked to have had Adrian there. This is not normal of me. I'm taking next week-end off work to go to the Pride Fair Day, which was a pretty cool event last year and a great excuse to spend a good day out with nice people. I'm hoping he'll come along.
I can't say this doesn't worry me at least to some extent. He is still in high-school, he has to go through the stage of telling his family even if his mother knows, he has to deal with coming out to the wider community, and of course the 'training wheel' syndrome worries me still. I see a lot of potential in Adrian and I know that he's only going to become even better looking as he gets older. If the general trend continues and we do begin to see one another in-spite of the obvious challenges, I fear there will be a time when having learned all he can from me he'll decide that he has a need to sow his oats and be on his way. If this happened again I'd really hate it, so I'm very weary of beginning anything. I'd like to talk to him about this at some stage, preferably soon.
September 23, 1997
Well we talked last night and things are looking pretty good. He seems quite resolved and together, and mature for his age. One characteristic that shines out when talking to him is his sensitivity. He also seems to have a strong need for affection and attention. He's been through some bad times and his friends have been reacting strangely, meaning badly to his coming out to some of them.
I was a little perturbed by the fact that he felt a need to point out the fact that he'd be spending a lot of time with girls, given they tend to chase him around a lot, being as cute as he is. I'm not sure how I feel about this because when it all comes down to it I'm not as secure in any of this as I would like to be or come across as being. I'm sure it's nothing a little reassurance from him every now and then won't fix though. What does bother me is the fact that I won't get to see much of him myself. He's moved back into his mother's house now, having lived out of home with his sister and her boyfriend for a week or so before the lot of them went back. He'll be lucky to be able to come out with us once a week. Every time we talk on the phone he basically has to hide somewhere and punctually ends up being yelled at for being on the phone too long and too late. Also he's bound to be found out soon enough by one of the bouncers somewhere and may not be able to get in to clubs any-more because of his age.
But who cares, just as long as I get to see him now and then it'll be good enough. I let him read this diary, and he seemed touched by yesterday's entry. He says he feels the same, which is very comforting to know. I really hope this works out, I think he has a lot of potential and I'm definitely willing to put the effort in to make it work, so long as he is too.
September 24, 1997
What a tremendously unpleasant experience I've just lived through. I'd never till now needed to decide between two people I really liked. The choice, if ever posed, was always easy. But I've just had to tell Steve that I am with someone now and he didn't take it as well as I'd hoped. I thought he'd not be bothered by it to any great extent and I was wrong. He's not the type to be rejected very often and I think he was surprised I wasn't still chasing him after his little holiday because I'm sure he had all the time in the world to make up his mind about me. Seems he had pretty much made up his mind while away but upon his return it was too late.
I refuse to feel bad, after all I had warned him that I would only wait so long. Besides, I see a better future with Adrian than I do with Steven, who is not as resolved and not as together as he is. Wow, I'm going to remember this day for a long time. I never imagined myself as having to choose between two such gorgeous and eligible guys. I'm sure I made the right choice anyway, and I certainly stand by it wholeheartedly.
It's past 11pm now, and Adrian just showed up on IRC. More soon.
September 26, 1997
I finally got to see Adrian again last night after a good few days and I was ecstatic. It was his first ever Trade and he seems to have loved it. I had an absolute ball and adored having him around. He's very affectionate and loving and I just can't seem to get enough of him. If that wasn't enough, he's also so gorgeous that I love being seen with him, and I keep making it obvious to any would be contenders that he is most certainly with me. An interesting finding is the fact that Kim, an ex from way back who was actually born on the same day as me, a year before me, has been insistently talking to Adrian in what sounds like a vain attempt at stealing him from me. Hmmm, not impressed.
I think back to some ex's and to spending too much time with them in the beginning and I am almost glad I always want to see more of Adrian but can never see him enough, because I'd rather spend some quality time with him and miss him the rest of the time than see him too much, even if right now I can't see me ever getting enough of him. He told his sister about me today and she took it well. He took the day off school today and was on IRC when I got on a little earlier, so I got to chat to her (Nat). Adrian said she like me a lot at least from what he told her of me and from what I said on IRC. I want to meet her now because I can see that being good for me and Adrian.
I got some bad news from Aaron not long ago. He had told his sister about himself a while back and she had initially taken it well. Only a few days ago she turned around and said that what he did disgusted her and gave him a week to find a place and move out. According to Aaron this is probably mostly to do with her boyfriend who has been abusing him about this since he found out. I hope Aaron will be ok, he's a sweet boy and I'd hate to see him hurt. He's had it rough the last few months.
October 5, 1997
Over the last week almost everyone I've spoken to has told me that they have never seen me happier. Even people I don't see very often are noticing a change in me, and I can't say I'm surprised.
Indeed, things are going exceedingly well on all fronts. Work is fine, not too strenuous and yet challenging enough to keep things interesting. Financially everything is going well, never as well as I'd like but well enough and looking to get better when commissions from a couple of months ago are finally paid out. But most of all, Adrian in going well, very well.
When things are wrong it is usually very easy to pinpoint the problem and explain it. I had never realised it till now that it is a different story when it comes to things going well. I'm lost for words. Truth is I've never been treated like this before, I've never been treated this well before. I've never felt this strongly about a person who seemingly feels just as strongly about me.
We won't be going to Trade for a while now, at least not until Adrian gets some fake ID, since he was asked to show some last Thursday and obviously had none to produce. We went home and had a nice night in instead. He sounded like he felt terrible, and once again proved what a sweetheart he is by not being disappointed because he really wanted to go, though perhaps he did, but because I could not get in because of him. If only he believed me when I told him that I really did rather spend a night with him alone than go to Trade...
The next night I went out alone, having come to the agreement with Adrian that it would be best not to aggravate his mother too much by getting him to sleep out of home too many nights in a row. I ended up drinking a bit and having an absolute ball. It was, however, a most frustrating night, and I found myself wishing over and over that Adrian was there with me. For a few months now, a good few months, I've been chatting to a boy named Jason, a Piscean with dark hair and striking green eyes. He and I had danced once on the stage at trade, just the two of us, very late at night when the stage was clear of anyone else. I remember being incredibly frustrated by the fact that I later found out he had a boyfriend, and thought to myself that considering the average length of the gay relationship, I would not have to wait long before having a real shot at this boy. Well he did break up with his boyfriend after a while but moved to someone else very quickly. I found out that Friday night that this last affair had lasted about a week. When I asked him where his man was after he came up to me and hugged me, he just looked to the crowd and said 'everywhere'. Then he commented on how noisy it was out there and guided me to a quieter spot, behind the glass wall. For once Jason was neither drunk nor E-ing, and we sat chatting about life for a while. Perhaps I'm making more of this than I should, but I felt things were going to happen if I didn't mention Adrian soon, and so I did. The conversation was quickly wrapped up and he said he was going to go for a walk. I know I got that chance I'd been waiting for that night, and threw it away without a second thought, never to have it again, I'm sure. This is not only an incredibly cute, sexy boy, but also someone with whom I could have pictured myself with some stability. The fact that I didn't hesitate in the slightest in telling him I was taken makes me feel secure in what I feel for Adrian, and I like that. I know that if I resisted that so easily nothing else is ever going to catch my attention.
With some fear we attempted to get into Connections on Saturday, again accompanied by Daniel and Kris, as we had been the night at Trade. The same bouncer was at the door, and his eyes focussed on Adrian as we approached. As Adrian was walking past the bouncer Daniel let out an almighty "Howya doin' mate?" which took the Bouncer's attention immediately. "Great" he replied, as I shuffled Adrian up the stairs. Dan looked very satisfied as he proceeded to tell me about the thought that had gone into the formulation of his cunning plan. Thanks Dan, you're as great a guy as I always say you are.
October 11, 1997
It's 2:30am and I've just come home from clubbing. Adrian wasn't there, since he has to move house tomorrow, from his mother's house into his aunt's. He is also stuck home doing the homework he was supposed to have been doing over the last two weeks' break but which he neglected at least in part because of me. It was rather sad not having him there.
I have recently realised that I tend not to write an awful lot when I'm with someone, resorting to diary entries whenever I'm single usually to bitch about how it ended. Well this time around I want to keep writing, mostly because unless Adrian goes and dumps me, I can see this lasting a long time, even with the difficulties we are bound to soon be facing because of his school and age and family and everything else. I can actually, definitively sense a change in me here, and it's frightening but incredibly refreshing and reassuring. I like it.
To boost this feeling is the realisation of how much I dislike the whole 'chase' system on scene. I desperately want to not go back into it, I am on the border of being disgusted by what happens at places like Connies, and I am fed up with watching the same people sleep with different people who are regardless part of the same crowd. I am tired of watching newcomers being pounced upon by the same people week-in week-out, and most of all I am tired of the dramas that occur punctually and endlessly. Tonight I was lucky enough to witness one event, as a part of an ongoing drama, between a friend who has fallen desperately in lust with a straight boy who in turn is too stupid to do something to give this friend a definitive indication of his intentions, or lack thereof. Fee is our friend and Mathew is the straight boy. Mathew has been to Connies a few times now, and because he has a magnificent body he manages to do what most would find difficult, and that is pick up a girl in a gay club. Tonight Fee, who has no claim over this boy other than that generated by his incessant fathering gestures towards him, saw them kiss, and went into a fit of self pity. This seems to happen all too often.
The point of all this is simple: right now, I am content. I need nothing more, I want nothing less. If only I could relax in this as I did when I was with Andrew, I would be on top of the world. That may sound bad but it really isn't and that's because I value this much more than I valued what I had with Andrew because I am afraid of losing it. I have had some idea of what I thought would have made me completely happy, but what I have now isn't it. On the other hand I can say with complete assurance that right now, I could not be happier, and I could not feel better. I think back and I can't help but feel that this is the prelude to disaster, but I'm filing that under pessimism, "once burned thrice shy". Anyway, the difficult bit begins here, where he goes back to school and I get to see him once a week if I'm lucky. Fingers crossed.
Some other events of interest. Andrew called me tonight, asking what I was doing and when I'd be out. My guess is he's tired of being at a club with lots of people he knows and yet being alone. I said I really wasn't sure and that I would be out eventually, I'd see him at some stage. I noticed him at the club after a while, with his gimpy friend Simon who he uses for lifts and company, but wouldn't hesitate in leaving behind at the slightest glimmer of hope with someone. Come to think of it the reason he called was that Simon wasn't initially going to be with him, since Andrew had some function beforehand and would be going directly out. Well Andrew picked up tonight, someone who is actually quite good looking but, dare I say it, destined to failure, because of two main and very obvious reasons. Firstly this guy's friends are not the type that Andrew would go for. Secondly this guy is not the decisive type, something that I know Andrew wants. One way or another, good luck to them, and as much as my bitter twisted self would like to see him fail again, I hope it works out for him.
Raf, Andrew's first ex, has broken up with his new boyfriend, Ryan. Sad, they made a nice couple and Ryan is a nice guy. Cameron, Andrew's other ex, is now going out with a nice, cute guy, also a friend of mine. Now here are two people that I really hope will work out. They are both exquisite and deserve to be happy. Dan and Kris have gone down south for the week-end to stoke that fire a little, which took a little battering over the last few weeks. Aaron is going out with our good acquaintance Paul, and they seem happy, I hope they work out, I really do, Aaron, who still gives me the sweetest smiles when he seems me out, needs a boy. And finally Steve had a drink with me and Dan last night, and was incredibly frustrated by the fact that I can read him like a book. I, on the other hand, was quite impressed. He is still scared stiff of admitting anything to himself, often to such an extent that it begins to be frustrating to me. He seems sad and lonely, not to mention confused in the greatest, darkest way, and I would like to be able to help him out a little and make life a little happier for him. Who knows.
I look around and see my lovely house all clean and tidy. Me and Merv hadn't cleaned for weeks, but we caught up this afternoon. This neatness and order adds to the feeling of tranquillity and contentment inside me. One recurring thought does make itself felt though... I miss Adrian.
October 24, 1997I got to see Adrian last night, after a few days that felt like an eternity. I must admit that not seeing him all that often makes those times I do see him much better. Last night we got a video and stayed home, missing Trade again, and thinking absolutely nothing of it.
Adrian is having some problems. He is being cast aside by his friends at school not directly for being gay but because of events that took place because of the fact that he is. At home things are not improving. His parents are still on bad terms, his little sister is still being a pain, he is still having difficulty coping with the fact that he has had to move house so many times in the last few weeks, and he seems to be frustrated by the fact that he is still in high-school. As he told me about all this yesterday I could not help worrying that I might in some way be the cause of this. You may have realised by now that this thought recurs constantly in my mind.
At the moment, however, I have no clue as to how to help him out of this. It makes me so unbelievably sad that he should be at school right now feeling dejected by his friends' lack of interest in him. It's almost as though it were happening to me. All I feel I can do is support him when he is with me, and I hope this will help. I get to see him again tonight, and again tomorrow and the day after that. I'm going to enjoy this week-end.
Tomorrow is the conclusion of Pride month here in Perth. That means there will be a big parade in Northbridge and a huge party afterwards, the social scene event of the year. Every fag on scene and some who aren't will be there. This is the same party at which I met Dean last year. I bought tickets for the two of us yesterday and will need to keep my fingers crossed that we both get in without being asked for ID.
Before the party there will be the parade, in which I was silly enough to take a leading role this year. At the beginning of the year I joined my university's Gay and Lesbian organisation and managed to earn myself the distinguished role of treasurer. That put me on the executive. Since then I dropped out of uni but chose to continue in my role regardless. With the onset of exams all the other members of the executive bailed out promptly. The Gay and Lesbian groups from Perth's various universities then joined forces to arrange the very first student float, the role of which is to send a message of support and awareness to students not only in universities but in schools, colleges and high schools that we are out there. Needless to say I allowed myself to become more and more over committed, giving more support to this cause than I could afford to, both in the form of time and money. Tomorrow, with Adrian by my side, I will be driving the vehicle I have provided to act as the float, which will be followed by a hoard of students wearing graduation gowns with rainbow sashes and overly decorated mortarboards. Tomorrow should be a blast, and more importantly, tomorrow it will be over!
November 10, 1997
It has been a while since I last wrote to this diary, mostly because everything's been going so well. I guess it makes sense that one should feel like writing more when things are not going well, as it helps to sort things out. When things are wonderful on the other hand, one just feels like telling everyone, which is what I'm doing instead of writing. Yup, things are GREAT!
The Pride march was indeed a blast, and the party following it was just as great. The ute we used as our float was borrowed here from work, naturally under false pretences, and I had to drive it in the march after it had been disguised well enough for anyone not to recognise it. Adrian was with me, and I was incredibly glad he came along because it was a long haul and sitting in the ute all alone would have been a nightmare. It was great to see so many people waving and cheering and having a great time. Everything went smoothly and our efforts were greatly rewarded by the crowd's response.
The party was pretty good too, mostly because everyone I knew was there. I did, however, drink a tad too much, and I was pretty much out of it for half the night. Me and Adrian wore rainbow head-bands, and it felt good to let people know we were together. I like being seen out with him. I think I wrote earlier that this was because it let people know that he was taken, well wether that was true or not at the time, I know that at this point in time it isn't. I know Adrian is devoted to me, he tells me so over and over because I guess I question him about it ad nauseam. The fact is, I think he's incredibly good looking and atop the fact that I love spending time with him, I also simply like to show him off.
I've been a little unwell lately, not to the extent of being sick, but stress has been causing a problem or two. I've started taking some pills for it, nothing too potent, but just something to help me relax a little.
November 14, 1997
Wohoo. CK has moved to Sydney. Chris is someone that Adrian introduced me to on the net, and we've had some incredibly interesting chats. He has led a very interesting life and in spite of being shy and reserved, he has more courage and energy than anyone else I know. He grew up in the outback here in Oz, then moved to the US with his parents. Strangely enough he missed the place, came back here and is currently looking for a job in Sydney, but should he not like it too much there he might just move to Perth.
There is also an ulterior motive to this glee at his arrival, and that is that a friend of mine who has been single and lonely for a while now seems to get on with him very well. I would love to see them together and hope that should he journey over here, which he may do over Christmas given he knows no-one in Sydney, they may get on so well as to make it a permanent arrangement.
It's Friday and I get to see Aidy again tonight. As always, I can't wait!
I had coffee with Steve on Monday. He had a falling out with some friends of late over a little confusion, and he has lost a few of these friends. It was an emotional meeting, some tears flowing a few times mostly due to the fact that I was really quite cruel to him, in what I think was a rather vane attempt at making punishing him for doing something that he should not have done. In the end I ended up feeling terrible anyway though because I can't stand making people cry.
That was Monday, and when I hopped on the net yesterday I got news that Steve had said we 'got with each other', leaving out the 'for coffee bit' which raised a few eyebrows, including Adrian's. The poor babe was worried for hours especially since he had been trying to get to me but I was out till late at a university function. All was sorted out quickly though and I must admit that in some strange way it makes me feel good to have him be jealous of me. Naturally I'd never let him linger in what I know to be a terrible state of mind, but it was reassuring to know that he was worried. I know that sounds terrible, but no-one has ever been jealous of me before.
I was invited to the Faculty of Architecture end of year exhibition this year, at which I not only got to see all my old friends once again and catch up, but I also viewed their thesis'. I knew I was going to feel strange but I went in unprepared for the strong feeling of nostalgia that overtook me. With it I spun into self pity, thinking that it could have been me with my work exhibited on the main wall, with a title to be added to my name. Then my very good friend Fritz, who is graduating this year and with whom I spent a majority of my time at Curtin told me he'd be looking for a job soon, something along the lines of a bricklayers labourer, or something of that sort. Immediately I realised that he was feeling now the same way I felt last year. It took him an extra year to realise that Architecture was not his avenue in life and he begins anew now, the same way I did last year. The night got better from there.
November 30, 1997
I'm in a strange mood tonight. I haven't written for a while because I guess things are just going well and as you may have noticed, most of what I write about is based on whinging and complaining... I'm told I am very good at doing that. On the other hand there is the fact that my life has suddenly become, well, dull. I'm certainly not saying that this is a bad thing. As a matter of fact I'm almost saving money, though not quite yet. The streams of beer I used to throw my money in have now become dinners.
Anyway, I guess I'm just a little depressed. I love being with Adrian but I guess the lifestyle that I was used to before he came along is a difficult one to let go, even with all it's bad aspects. This is by no mean an indication that I would ever wish to go back to that lifestyle. Actually we went out to Connections last night and I found it rather boring. One really begins to notice the games that are played in that place when one becomes a little detached from it because of a prolonged absence or because circumstances serve that purpose, as they have in my case. The whole idea of ever needing to play those games again depresses me.Hey, here's what the reason might be, I had dinner with mother on Wednesday night and it was as pleasant as always, meaning she left me in a state of... pulp. Here is this woman who is eating my food at my dinner table or drinking my whiskey, telling me that I made her suicidal and suggesting that I am a petifile by mere association with the gay community... and yet when the suggestion was made that more priests are petifiles by comparison than gay people, well that's a different story and how dare I say that. It was a frustrating conversation but not frustrating me enough from derailing me from my aim never to have a confrontation with my mother that goes beyond the level of lively discussion. If the conversation steers past that point I give in, as I have promised myself. I have my own home now, my own life, my own resources and my own principles. I have nothing to gain from hurting
my mother or by winning a point against her. She will never be convinced from my arguing as I will never be by hers. What I have to gain is a lot of anguish from feeling that I have wounded her even ore than I had when I had no choice. I hate that. My mother has always been a master of the guilt trip. I realised how good she was at it when I was about 15, and I began then to exercise my mind not to be effected by it. It has made me into a cruel person. Much more cruel and cold hearted than I ever was or was ever meant to be. Yet another way my mother has twisted me. Yet for some strange reason I still feel incredibly bad when I corner her in an argument that I should be right be dominating. That night I noticed two thing. Firstly, she has taken to making her closing greeting as brief and sad as she can, leaving me with a guilt I spent the whole night avoiding even having done my very best to cater to her every whim and backing down from each one of her idiotic arguments. Secondly, she is getting old. Very very old. The family got together to say goodbye at My oldest brother's house on Saturday but I chose not to go after Wednesday.I visited my father last Sunday. It had been a long time since I had done so. I sat in front of his grave, looking at his smiling image on the headstone, with tears in my eyes and a sadness I hadn't felt for a long time. I miss him so much right now, I can barely stand it. I remember when he first died I had to take every photo of him out of sight, so painful it was to see his face and know that I would never see him again. I remember feeling tremendous hatred for the woman who didn't stop at that stop sign, destroying not only his life but mine and that of my family. I hadn't felt these same feelings for 12 years, but I feel them again now. As I prayed a while there at the cemetery, I asked him to look after my mother and to give me and Adrian his blessing.
Chris, Daniel's Chris came out to his mother during the week, with disastrous consequences. She seems to be reacting very much along the same lines as my mother did, but thankfully his sister is being as supportive as mine was at the time. Why must mothers do this? Why are mothers so blind to the fact that in their idiotic attempts at stopping their sons and daughters from ruining their lives they indeed ruin their lives for them?
Just over a week ago me and Adrian celebrated our two month anniversary. He gave me a portrait of himself that he had a mutual friend draw for us. I was amazed by the trouble he went to in order to get this thing done for me. I loved it. I was also amazed by how well he managed to hide the fact that he was getting it done, from me at least. Everyone else seemed to know about it at least two weeks before it happened.
Adrian, Daniel and I went to the beach yesterday. It is the first time I have gone this summer, and if the rest of my life is anything to go by, it may be the last. I go to the beach to shed that green complexion I have been gifted with, at least for a few weeks till it comes back, but by that stage i can't afford the time to go to the beach, or it is too hot or too cold or I'm just too lazy to go back. Oh man I'm feeling so lethargic!
March 5, 1998
It has been a long time since my last entry and having looked back over what I've been writing about in this diary, I can safely say that the break is due to a long period of happiness, at least untill about a month ago. Then problems began but began so abruptly that I could neither spare the time nor make the effort to write about them.
I'm happy to say that Adrian and I are still very much together. Over the break he had from school he spent an enormous amount of time with me, and I experienced that wonderful feeling of getting home after a hard day at the office to find him waiting for me, happy to see me in his adorable, affectionate and lovable manner. We had a few tiffs here and there and a few tense moments, but when it is all said and done, I love him dearly and feel evermore fortunate that he's with me. As a matter of fact he frightened me immensly this past week-end when he began telling me about his experiences at school during the week. I only see him on week-ends now that he's back at school and when I picked him up he began telling me about his friends, with a most sombre look on his face. He told me that he had been hassled about the fact that he didn't have a girlfriend and that he felt pressured into having one. There's a girl at school who has shown a lot of interest in him (well actually there are quite a few, it seems I'm going out with a bit of a "chick magnet") and his friends are telling him to "go for it". Everywhere I go people comment on how good looking Adrian is. All of a sudden as he was telling me this I got the very definite impression that he was about to tell me that he wanted to break up because he wanted to see a girl. As time passed and he didn't tell me I convinced myself that he just didn't have the courage to tell me. When he realised what I was thinking he told me straight out that he wanted to do no such thing, and spent most of the afternoon convincing me of it.
Adrian not being a problem at all then, here is what is causing me the problems I talked about earlier: money. Well sure, what else could it possibly be? My housemate has not payed me any money for rent, phone, electricity or his expensive long distance phone bills for quite a while. With the asian currency crisis it's not surprising and I've managed to look after him for as long as i could, and yet now find mysle bouncing cheques and sleeping badly at night. I've had to ask him to move out in favour of another friend who was looking for a new place to stay. He will be moving in in about a week, and I can't wait to start getting his rent since I have lots and lots of bills to pay as well as a rather hefty provisional tax bill due very soon.
If the normal bills and my housemate's weren't enough, I've started a new venture which is draining my virtually inexistent resources even more. I am in the process of starting a new business in Northbridge, the "fun suburb". It is entailing a lot of hard negotiations with restaurants in the area and many frustrating events. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I began this and now I find myself constantly wishing myself out of it. But I must go on and I must succeed or I may never dare do something like this again. So far I have learned that it is true that if one wants something done and done properly one must do it himself, and also that no-one out there is willing or should be expected to do you any favours.
I think it is time to get back to work now. I hope to be able to update this diary more often now, so keep tuned.
March 26, 1998
I'm now at one of the most difficult times of the last few months, finding myself completely overwhelmed and rather desperate. I've run out of money, costs having blown out of all proportion and my bank creating hassles beyond belief for me. I'm incredibly angry and I'm in a most defeatist frame of mind. If i could quit now I would, and goodness knows I probably should, but I won't, not yet anyway.
April 17, 1998
The worst day of my life.
It’s 6:30 in the afternoon. I came home about 45 minutes ago to find that Adrian was not here after I left him here this morning. I walked to my room and found my clothes scattered all over the floor. His portrait was missing. The card he had made for me, in the shape of a heart, which I kept on my dressing table was on my bed, ripped in half. I came back downstairs and there was a note on the computer.
“Andy, I gave you everything, my trust, my heart… and you broke it. I hope you realise that you have truly fucked up my life. I fukin hate you 4eva!!!!Adrian has found logs of conversations I’ve had with people. Conversations in which I propositioned them for sex. There are so many thoughts racing through my head right now that I can’t stop and think. I’ve been crying non stop since I found the note and tried to call Adrian. He came to the phone when his aunt called him to it and without saying anything he hung up.Your ex
AdrianPS once a slut always a slut…”
I am a slut. I really am. I’ve managed to throw away the best thing that has ever happened to me. Perhaps this may be an unwise time to say something like this, but I know I will never find anyone like Adrian again. I guess hoping that he will take me back is really rather stupid but I will continue in this hope because it’s what’s stopping me from doing something totally stupid. Why does it take a tragedy to make us open our eyes? Why was it not obvious to me earlier on that this boy was my whole life, before I went and did something so hideous?
I can’t believe I’ve done this to him. I keep getting images of him around my house when he found out about this. I can see him throwing my clothes around.
We had been having a few problems over the last couple of months, with me being stressed with work and he not relating to it. I had at some stage considered taking some time apart from him but had thought the better of it because I knew I could not last too long away from him. Well I truly had no idea. I never imagined I could feel so totally empty. My life is completely pointless. I just want to lie down in the dark and wait… just wait.
How could I have been so fucking stupid? Oh god what have I done?
A couple of hours later...
I've spoken to Adrian. The hope I was talking about a little earlier is gone. He hates me and has asked me never to call him or try to talk to him again. He is right.
In the last couple of hours something has concreted in my mind. Regardless of how much it hurts that I'll never get to see Adrian again, I am most of all worried abut the fact that he will be out there all alone... What the fuck am I saying??? This was a strong feeling untill now but it has finally struck me that he could do no worse than me. I hope he finds someone who will treat him better than I did. Meanwhile my mind is still all mixed up.
April 20, 1998
I scraped rock bottom on Saturday night, when I went out with the idea of getting my mind off the constant thoughts that were haunting my head. I was hoping to spend some time with my friends, maybe lash out a little and get a little drunk. I needed to be with friends who would help me out of this.
That was the idea, but what the night turned out like was very different indeed. It took place at Connections, as every tragedy seems to do. I went in at about 11:00pm, and saw a good few people I know, my friends, and made my way over to them. Then I saw Adrian, right in the middle of the group, laughing and having fun. He saw me and immediately lost his smile, looking away. He was wearing a black leather jacket that I had never seen before, obviously lent to him by whoever it was that he spent the day with. Merv walked over to me and said "Adrian's here". He offered to pay me back some money he owed me. Then he went back over to talk to Adrian. Ken walked over to me, kissed me on the cheek and asked me if I was all-right. I replied that I wasn't, so he hugged me and went back over where he was. A few others waved nervously with strange looks on their faces, almost as to say "Look I'm really sorry but hey, you really did fuck up".
A few others who had no idea none of this had happened walked over to say hello and walked away again. All in all I spent 45 minutes standing alone, a few steps away from the place all my friends were crowding around my ex, cheering him up and thoroughly ignoring me. Merv, the boy I helped out so much and whom I considered a good friend never even bothered to ask me how I was. I guess people are assuming that this really hasn't hit me that hard considering the reason Adrian left me.
Sunday night I decided to give it another go, and went back to connies again, knowing that Adrian would not be there this night. He wasn't but I felt no better. I had actually been pleased to see him the night before, in some strange way which I really cannot explain. Daniel was doing his best to keep me happy. We had met for a drink earlier that night, before his boyfriend turned up, so we could have a chat. I can always count on Daniel for an honest opinion and some intelligent advice, and as always he delivered. I guess when something like this happens one has do revert back to the central core of friends who are always there, and Daniel is definitely one I can trust. Sunday night came to a rather abrupt end however, when Ken's boyfriend arrived. I was standing with Ken at the time, and when Peter walked up he looked at me in such a way that made my blood chill. At that point I felt like a whore. I had only been there about 45 minutes but I had to leave.
When I got home I sat at the computer and connected to IRC. It was a busy night and there were a lot of people on channel. I tried throughout the night to talk to Adrian who was on but I never received any reply. I spoke to Erik who told me how sorry he was to hear the news and then proceeded to tell me all about his own problems with his long distance relationship. Merv was once again no help at all. Then once again someone messaged me saying that they were 7 years old and heard that I fucked little boys. I disconnected and went to bed, finding it difficult to go to sleep. At 1:45am I was again awaken my a phone call. As of Friday I am receiving phone calls every night at that time. No-one is ever there when I answer. To be honest I am scared.
April 27, 1998
Being dumped once was very bad, but getting dumped the second time by the same person in the space of a week was a thousand times worse. Admittedly, I ask for it, every time. It seems that whatever I do, I do wrong lately.
Adrian hadn’t actually spoken to me since last week, before my last entry. Then Friday we started talking on the net. When he was disconnected for the umpteenth time he called me on the phone and after a long conversation he asked me to meet him the next day. I took the afternoon off work and picked him up. We had lunch first and then we moved back to my place. The conversation was exasperating at times, and complicated by a number of other roumours that had begun circulating about me by that stage.
One of the most difficult ones to overcome was begun by my little friend Huy who has told a number of people how totally infatuated he is with Adrian. He even told one person that he though he shouldn’t be with me because he is so much better looking than me. To this point I still don’t think Adrian believes me but one way or the other we found an accord. Te roumour was that I had presumedly slept with yet another guy.
We talked and talked, and from a stern unwillingness to ever consider being with me again we moved to the idea of taking time apart from one another as a kind of test for me. This was to be done in order that Adrian would be certain I was capable of leaving everything behind and start fresh with him. I was certain at the time, as I am now, that I need no break to know that nothing like what has happened already will ever happen again. We continued to talk and eventually moved to the bedroom. It was by far the most wonderful experience of my life. Coupled with the best sex was the tremendous love I felt for Adrian, a love that to some extent had been strengthened enormously by the events of the past few weeks. Loosing someone can well and truly make you realize just how much that person was and integral part of you. To heighten the sensation even further was the incomprehensible joy I felt at having my Adrian back once again.
I was so resolute. I was so certain that everything would be fine from now on. I was so confident of my capability to truly tackle our problems and move on to the things we had planned for our future together. I took him home the same night, once again holding hands in the car as we had always done before this horrible mess.
Two days later, knowing that Adrian had returned from his trip down south with his volleyball team, I called him. I later picked him up to go have a coffee with Stella and Ryan, but in the car a few other things came to light. In the week I had been away from Adrian, while being unable to even speak to him and having been abandoned by the large majority of my friends, I had strayed. I had looked for company in the arms of a boy who whilst knowing what the situation was, had begun to feel strongly for me. This is a guy that I would gladly see and go so far as having a relationship with if only Adrian wasn’t around. But when I had the chance to choose between the two, I had to choose Adrian. I had to at least try to resolve the problems we had been having. Well it seems the two had spoken, or regardless, Adrian had somehow found out before I had a chance to tell him myself, as I had planned to do the night before, persuaded to do so my by wise and close friend Daniel.
I cancelled coffee with Stella and Ryan and we went back to my place again. Adrian was much colder to begin with, much more so than he had been when we had found ourselves in a similar situation just two days before. I was a wreck this time, because I had been so happy to have him back and he had been ripped away from me again. A few times he told me that there was just no way he could ever be with me again. Every time I could not help but cry, the sentence hitting me like a sharp knife. I would argue for the second chance I had been given but never allowed to make anything of, and after a long time thinking, crying and generally staring at each other, once again he would say that he just couldn’t. He was crying more and more as this happened again and again.
I can’t believe I’ve done this to him. I can’t believe I’ve done this myself. It really struck me during this hideous conversation that I really could not handle loosing him again. All I could do was stare at him intently, soaking my mind with his image, his every feature, feeling that my time with him was expiring quickly. Every minute became more painful, every tear he cried made my torture more difficult.
Yet we continued to talk to the point where he was exhausted. He had had a long day and an early start, and I suggested we should go to sleep. In bed he snuggled close to me, and I lay there, propped on my elbow, watching him fall asleep. You haven’t lived till you’ve seen Adrian asleep. He is unbelievably adorable. I kept crying on and off, still feeling that we were approaching the last few hours together. I didn’t want to fall asleep but eventually I did, still with him in my arms, feeling his warmth, his breath on my neck.
When morning came it was time for the final word. It was not to be in my favour, and again tears started streaming. I had the had the whole night to prepare myself for this but this final ‘no’ still hit me as hard as all the others had the night before. He had arranged to meet his mother for dim sum in Northbridge that morning and we were late already. I prompted him down the stairs while we were both still in tears. He walked half the way don, then stopped. We looked at each other, hugged, then he kissed me, very softly, tenderly. I took his hand and led him back into my room, with very mixed feelings of pleasure and anger inside me. He had hugged me all night, he had held my hand, and now he had kissed me, and all the while he had been telling me he loved me dearly. Yet he could not bring himself to trust me again. The kiss killed me. He again replied that he didn’t know, when I asked him what it had meant. I lost control and as calmly as I could I suggested that if that was the case it probably meant that his decision to not take me back was a wise one. I regret having said that so much now.
He stormed out of the room, again with tears in his eyes. I drove him to Northbridge, and I left him telling him that he should call me if he had anything else to tell me. He was carrying a bottle of wine he had taken from my house. He had left it here at some stage for us to drink on some special occasion. I watched him walk away with the tremendous fear in my heart that that may have been the last time I got to see him or talk to him in any decent way.
April 29, 1998
The situation is getting more difficult to handle every day. I can't shake this feeling that every day Adrian and I are apart he is slipping further out of my reach. I am frustrated by the fact that there is little I can do and that I really have nothing but my own determination going for me, but to use that determination I need that last chance to make good. I itch all day to talk to Adrian and spend all night diverting one phone to the other just so that if he should call I won't miss him. I wreck my brain in the evening trying to think of some excuse to call him up without sounding too pathetic. I am affraid of being depressing but most of the time I just can't help it. Nothing scares me as much as a cold response from him. That's the way it was in the car on Sunday night, the second time he broke up with me, when I picked him up. He was resolute in his decision that we just could not ever be together again, and I could see it in his eyes. I know he loves me, or at least he did then, because he allowed himself to be persuaded at least a little way away from that position.
Now he's still thinking about it. He told me last night that he thinks about this a lot during the day. It's 2:30 in the afternoon right now, on a wednesday afternoon. Maybe he's thinking about it right now. Or maybe he's already decided. It's hard to say but much as I am hating this situation I am almost glad he's undecided, as it gives me hope. Naturally hope dosn't have to be a good thing. If my hopes are to prove futile, then I suppose I'd rather have known right away, but it dosn't change the fact that I'm enjoying having some slight attachement with him still. I keep praying that he'll come back to me.
There's just one thing that I'm feeling good about right now. Today I am a much better person than I was yesterday. I have actually learned how to appreciate what I have. I am wiser and have a clearer view of what matters in life. I know how my every action effects others close to me. Oh man how soppy does this sound. Amazingly enough it's true though. Wow, a moment of clarity... how I treasure these rare events.
May 1, 1998
It’s 10pm and I’m really cold. Adrian came to see me this afternoon, he was only here for possibly about half an hour. Just enough time to once again tell me that there’s no chance we can ever be together again. Last week he also said this but then he still loved me, as he said. Tonight he felt nothing for me anymore. The expression on his face was blank, his words were cold.
I had been looking forward to seeing him all day, I had thought we had been making progress over the last few weeks. I truly thought he’d take me back. My view here is simple: I know that what I did was a horrible thing. I know I’ve hurt him more than I can possibly imagine, and God knows I’ve learnt from this experience. I know I can be the best thing that ever happened to Adrian, but I need to show him.
Of course this is pointless if it is true that he feels nothing for me anymore, and I’m really tempted to believe that, but my friends are egging me on, telling me that it isn’t true, and that perhaps he’s just trying to test me, or teach me a lesson. Hating me would make more sense though, considering what I did.
Anyone with a little more insight than me would probably give up now but I can’t. I don’t want to get over Adrian, or I would not want to even if I thought I could. I can’t. I’ve planned my future with Adrian in it and I like it that way. I’m not prepared to just give it all away. I suppose I just can’t accept the fact that he doesn’t want me anymore.
This afternoon on my way home from work I looked to myself for a while and I realized how much I have changed in the last few weeks. I thought that if Adrian and I ever got out of this we’d end up having the best life together. I was… hell I still am convinced of that.
So I’m not giving up. Looking at the alternatives, well what alternatives are there really? If he does hate me that’s not going to change. But perhaps he doesn’t hate me, and I’m going to show him that I am no longer the bastard he thinks I am, or that I may once have been. Not by any measure or arranged gesture, but simply by the fact that I will sit here and wait for as long as it takes him to take me back. I don’t care if I sit home rotting for the rest of my life. After all sooner or later I’ll be able to think of what to do to prove to Adrian that he can trust me.
May 3, 1998
I thought I was doing so well yesterday. I went out for lunch with Stella and while she pretended to be drinking I went through a bottle of wine over the few hours that lunch took. We went shopping afterwards and then dinner. Then last night I went out to Connies, hoping to continue this winning streak that being drunk had put me on. Winning streak meaning I was feeling confident that everything was going to be fine. Some of my friends had been telling me that if he isn’t willing to even give me a go then there musn’t have been much there in the first place, at least as far as love is concerned. If he isn’t willing to take a risk on me, at least once… well I’d really rather not hear that but it made a lot of sense.
The day was all right, how could it not have been really, with Stella working her well rehearsed magic and cheering me up. She does this all too often for me, what would I do without her? Frightening thought. Then night-time came and I went to the club with Dan. It was a terribly quiet Saturday, and very few people we knew were there at all. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing but it did strengthen this lonely feeling I was experiencing. By the end of the night I was back where I had been the night before. I was sitting alone, the few people I knew having left already, thinking about Adrian. Only difference is that this night I was in the club looking a lot sillier than I had at home.
It’s odd but I’m finding support and comfort in some strange crowd. Only four people have actually gone out of their way to help me out, given I guess most people I know don’t actually think I need any help because it may seem to them that I just got what I wanted. Needless to say, I know a lot of fools. Aside from Dan and Stella, on whom I know I can always count, there have been two people on whom I never counted. One being Ben, the guy who had accused me of taking advantage of him by letting him think I wanted more than I did from him, after Adrian first broke up with me. He’s either forgiven me or understood that it wasn’t my intention to do what I did to him. He’s actually been talking to Adrian about this apparently, as well as talking to me quite a bit and helping me cope. He has a new boy now and I hope they will be happy together. The other unexpected help came from David – aka “doey-boy” the most recent ex of my ex Andrew. He was constantly trying to make me dance and what-not last night, and saying nice things to me. He has a new boy also and I hope they too will be happy together. It has been brought to my attention that some people whom I considered close to me have been saying bad things about me also. I can’t trust anyone anymore.
A strange twist on Jason, the boy with whom I cheated on Adrian in the first place. He too, being a friend of Ben’s, had accused me of having allowed him to believe something which wasn’t real. All this came to Adrian’s attention and this is partly the reason he thinks I am such a bad person now… he sees my bad deeds being proclaimed by many of the people he knows, and amongst them are also those claims that have been made up about me. Regardless, the interesting twist is that in talking to Martin last night, a character from IRC who is also a tremendous scene queen (a harmless one), I was told that Jason did the same thing to him, although judging from his words, he did so in a much greater way. Martin hates him now, and Jason seems to have finally realized that I was very clear about what happened with him, and he’s apologized. Unfortunately the damage has been well and truly done.
May 6, 1998
Rather than improving things are actually slowly getting worse. I've lost all my appetite and I continue to have dizzy spells all the more frequently. Every morning it's more difficult to get out of bed and going to work is hell. All I can do all day is think about Adrian, literally all day, without end. Initially I was able to block these thoughts out by doing some of the work that is slowly piling up higher and higher on my desk, but I can't do that anymore, as I can't concentrate at all. It's been almost a month since this mess started and I would have thought by this stage things might have settled a little in my head, but instead I still cry about it now and then, at the strangest times. I can get no sleep at night, and I last through the day by drinking coffee after coffee. I feel and look like trash. I am weak in spirit and in body, and what is worse, I can see no obvious end to this.
All these feelings were made much worse last night when Daniel called me and gave me the news that he and Kris had broken up. This is the one couple that had given me the strength to keep hoping for something good, as they had been able to stay together through some serious problems themselves. But they had been fighting a lot lately, and it was time for them to take a rest from one another. If this has the same effect on them that my own experience with Adrian has had on me, they will soon realise that their differences were petty and that they really can't live without one another. Yesterday I spent the evening with Daniel, and rather than cheering each other up I think we actually ended up depressing the hell out of one other, but after all it is always better to be depressed in the company of other depressed people.
May 8, 1998
I never thought I'd see the day that I was prescribed anti-depressants. I went to see my doctor yesterday, with whom I spent quite a while, talking about the events that have occurred in my life over the last few months. Lately I've been feeling simply very strange. I've not had any appetite, I've not been sleeping, and particularly in the last couple of days, I've been shaking uncontrollably and persistently. Right now I'm getting strange spasms in my jaw, and it's just getting worse.
I went to Trade last night, but just before I went I spoke to Adrian on the net. We ended up parting with his repeated affirmation that he didn't care what I did, how I ended up and what was happening in my life. Well at least that's clear. It changes nothing, but at least it's clear. Having considered staying home and having another little personal breakdown I figured there really was absolutely no point, and out I went. It ended up being rather nice, though not a huge number of people were out.
I was glad Merv wasn't out, as I've found out he's much less of a friend to me than I had ever known. He has been saying things to Adrian about me, and I told him what I thought of him yesterday when he finally admitted to me that he told Adrian these things not because he felt it was the right thing to do but rather because Adrian was bugging and pestering him (his words). This after he blamed me for ruining his week-end by causing Adrian so much pain that Adrian had to go to him for help. I can't believe Adrian still sees a friend in this selfish boy after all this.
As I was leaving David, aka wallpaper boy (remember him?) asked me to have a coffee with him. I agreed and we went off to the Moon cafe, where the one beer I had had at Trade and my medication finally clashed, as I proceeded to pass out in a most embarrassing fashion. David took care of me for a while, and insisted I should stay at his place, which was very nice of him, but after dropping him off at his place I said my goodbyes and left to go home.
I should clarify that I know there is no chance I will get back together with Adrian. I am not mourning his loss or spending sleepless nights thinking of how to get him back. I am firstly, simply in a state of personal loathing caused by the things I have done, and the things it has made me loose. Secondly, I am in a stage of general distrust in humanity, having been relinquished by my friends without any attempt at finding out the reasoning behind my behaviour or the strictly personal consequences of my actions. As far as I know no-one has even attempted to mediate for me with Adrian, other than Ben, who by the way seems to be doing very well for himself in a happy relationship with Troy.
May 11, 1998
My health is going to the dogs. Every day I can eat a little less and now I am shaking uncontrollably all day long. Even my speech is being effected, and I now stutter when I speak in Italian and just simply speak too quickly in English. Aside from the things I've been writing about till now, another event is rearing it's stress inducing head, being the formal starting date of my and Daniel's new business venture, being this coming Sunday. If nothing else, with us both
Being single we have a much greater degree of energy to pour into this, and understandably, a lot more money as well. Then again our present work commitments are already quite extreme and it will be difficult to cope with it all.
May 12, 1998
Things are still not improving. I stupidly spoke to Adrian again last night on the net. I weighed myself last night and realised that I've lost 4 kg in the last month. I still can't concentrate.
I had a moment of clarity this morning and it was a rather horrible one. I had been meaning to tell my sister all about the details of the past few weeks but realised that I could never do that, because I would be too ashamed of what I did and worried about what she would think of me. Hence for the first time I related my behaviour on scene to what it would equate to in the "real world". It is clear now why this whole affair becomes increasingly more difficult to cope with, and that's that every day that goes by I hate myself a little more for what I have done to Adrian, to Jason and to Ben, as well as the rest of my friends who have had to deal with this.
May 25, 1998
My life has started again! After weeks of mental and physical self abuse I have regained the only thing that has ever mattered to me. I could not be happier and I honestly can't think of a time that I have been before. I have no doubt in my abilities to be a the best thing that has ever happened to Adrian and I know that no matter what difficulties we experience from now on we'll be able to work through them, and whatever difficulties these may be, I won't be the cause of them, or at least no through my own stupidity, greed, lust or any other aspects of my personality that may have contributed to this last catastrophe.
I went to Ken's house-warming party yesterday, solely to see Adrian. I was uncomfortable and sad, with Ken's boyfriend Peter quite openly displaying his intense dislike of me. Everyone else was being very nice though, and it was great to see a lot of people there whom I hadn't seen for a long time. Not long into the party I went into the kitchen to talk to a few people and started to feel faint. The last thing I remember was walking out of the kitchen to find a place to sit and avoid passing out. I was later told that I sat down in the hallway, and someone tried to help me into the bedroom. As soon as I got there I collapsed on the floor. Adrian was there when this happened and when I came to he told me that I was very pale and my lips were black. After I collapsed Adrian tried to get me in a decent position and put a pillow under my head but as soon as he moved me I threw up. Thankfully all I had eaten that day was a single chicken nugget and I had drunk a can of coke. I didn't make a big mess, I just got my jeans a bit dirty, but I was still mortified.
I came to with my head in Adrian's lap, and he was wiping sweat from my face. I was embarrassed but it still felt good. Ken was in the room as well, and when he realised I would be fine he gracefully made an exit, leaving me and Adrian to talk for a while. Adrian said to me that my episode had really frightened him. A few other issues were raised, like wether either of us had been with anyone else since we had broken up, and that and other questions were answered honestly by us both, and accepted in due course.
That night we went out to Connies and had a decent time. I tried my best to look a little less depressed, and forcing a smile soon enough made it real. I had a great time, and just before the time came to go home I asked Adrian to come home with me instead of going to Ken's place for the night. He danced with me for a while, his eyes closed, his cheek to mine, hugging closely. He came back to my house and proceeded to have the most wonderful night I've had for a long time.
When it is all said and done, I know this: I know I've done a horrible thing. I know I'm a better person for it now. I know that nothing means more to me than Adrian. I know that I'll never want anyone else. I know that if he wants me I'll be with him for the rest of my life.
May 28, 1998
While I'm still overwhelmed with happiness that Adrian and I are back together, I am also ridden with doubts and negative thoughts. He has not been as close to me as he used to be, and he has been very blunt with me over the last few days.
After work on Monday Daniel and I went to the movies, during which Adrian tried to call me. When he was unable to find me either at home or on the mobile he assumed I was up to no good. The moment the movie finished I found his worried message on my voicemail and I called him right back. When I got home we talked again and it struck me that it will take a very long time for him to relax and trust me again the way he once did. I know I can be trusted, I just have to find a way of making him understand that I really don't want anyone but him.
We are now in an open relationship, which is something that I am ever-more uncomfortable with. I have to give in to Adrian's wishes because I risked not having him back at all had I not done so, but that makes it no less difficult to accept his decision. This is made much worse by the fact that I have no personal wish to take up this freedom within the relationship. It also strikes me that I don't spend as much time as I would like with Adrian and that if I lost even just some of that time to others I would feel terrible in the best of cases, not to mention if I knew that he was having sex with that person at the time. I can only hope to be able to make him happy enough not to want to sleep with people outside our relationship, but should he choose to do so regardless, I will have to respect his choice and understand that he hasn't had a lot of experience and his curiosity should be satisfied.
Yet there's nothing that's ever going to stop me from fearing that every time he's with someone he may not come back to me. This is a thought that I find very difficult to handle, and a feeling that I don't look forward to experiencing, but rather agonisingly fear.
October 26, 1998
It's been a long time since my last entry, when Aidy and I got back together again, and since then we've broken up 3 more times, the last one - just over a month old now - being final, or so it seems. Two days after Aidy left me my business collapsed, finally, under the weight of ever-increasing debts, and to place a cherry on the mud-cake that my life has become, all my tropical fish died the following week-end.
4 days after our first year anniversary, I had a work commitment, essentially the little network went down and I had to stay back to have it running again by the next day. I could do with the money so I didn't mind so much. I spoke to Aidy that day, and he asked if I could pick him up on my way home, an offer I obviously had to initially turn down. He got angry, so I offered to skip work and do what I had to do the next day, but he didn't like the idea, and told me not to bother. If that wasn't enough, I had to leave my mobile with Eric, the friend who filled in for me at Cruisin' Cuisine when I was busy. I called Aidy when I got home at about 11:30, and he was angry, cold. I got dumped that night, and I offered little resistence. I had promised myself that I would never again beg forgiveness for things I hadn't done. I've more than regretted that since.
Since our break up I've had a lot more time to think, given my nights are free now, and I miss him like never before. To make things worse I've reverted to what was my usual confort seeking self before I met Aidy, looking for affection from every person who seems even half-interested. In the last month there's been one of the notorious internet meetings, after which I promised myself never to do that again. Following that was a very brief affair with a guy who has a boyfriend, who had told me that the relationship between them was over and that he wanted to be with me. He was nice, and I saw no harm in allowing him to help me get over my feelings for Adrian. A short time into this affair however, the boy realised the same thing I had realised when I cheated on Adrian, that he was very much in love with his boyfriend and that he wanted to resolve the issues that were causing the problems in their relationship. All I could do was - after making him feel as guilty as possible - let him go and be happy with his boy.
Whilst seeing myself in this boy made me feel a little warm and fuzzy since I had played a small part in re-awakening the love between he and his boyfriend, the event left me feeling used and puzzled, and that's when the first true awakening of how much I missed Aidy happened. The one person I ever really believed in was missing, and I had no alternatives. I had started sleeping with a t-shirt he had left at my house in my arms, feeling like an idiot but unable to help myself.
There was still one avent to take place before I truly admitted that I was well and truly NOT over Aidy, and that was the arrival of Michael into the story. Here's this kind, quiet guy, seemingly shy, with who I have a great deal in common. He seems to like me, I definitively liked him, and we got together after chatting for a good few days. This started las week and is ongoing as I write this, and I am torn, not knowing what to do. I have to talk to him openly, about how I still feel about Aidy, how Aidy feels about me - which by the way, is not terribly good - and let him decide what he wants to do.
Right now I am at work, shivering from the cold on this wonderful warm day. My tonsills feel like tennis balls, my head is feeling light and I can feel a fever buring inside me. I should be home in bed.
November 3, 1998
The last few days have been very confusing but had been rather happy ones untill last night, when everything once again exploded. Since the time of my last entry I had been talking to Adrian a lot, and he had coe to my house a couple of times to spend the night. The first time he did it culminated in the best sex I had had ina really long time, the second time a little less good, the last time, after the Pride party, pretty piss poor, but still better than any sex I had had with anyone else for a really long time. I had a feeling of accomplishment, not to mention the fact that I was beginning to feel that i could talk to him quite happily and see him out without cringing or becoming totally depressed.
Over the last week or so, the Perth Pride festival ended over the week-end, with the parade through Northbridge and the party following it. I helped Pride out this year in order to get a free ticket which I could never have otherwise afforded, and my talk was that of selling Pride flags to spectators before and during the parade. It was a blast, much more so than I had ever immagined. People were wonderful, very receptive and everyone seemed happy. After the parade I went home to get changed and then over to stella where Cameron and RKelvin were already in front of the mirror getting made up. Stella had started on me before the parade, painting my nails a dark blue and my hair a lighter shade of blue. Now began the face-work, and for the first time in my life I donned eyeshadow on top of a considerable amount of foundation. Then a dark blue-purple mix of lipstic, and I thought I looked pretty cool. It was a great hour and a half we spent at Stella's house, 4 queens (Raffal was there also) and a fag hag fighting for the one eyeliner and favourite lipstic, amongst glasses of burbon and coke and cigarettes.After a dash of glitter we were off to the party, on foot as it was quite close to Stella's house. When we got there after a number of cartwheels and a lot of harrassing motorists, I hear my name called froma drak corner just before walking into the venue. It was Adrian, crouched on the floor with a friend of his. they had been waiting there for an hour, having had their ID checked. He asked me to help him get in, as he had everyone for the last hour or so. No one had helped him yet, so I went in to get someone I knew worked for Pride, who came outside and simpli walked in front of him as he waked in. He was so happy, gave me one of his amazing smiles, squeezed my hand and went off to look for his friends, having left the friend who was outside with him to fend for herself as she had been conting on buying a ticket at the door but they had all been sold out.
The party itself was great. The venue was very small and one really had to fight one's way around, but once the group of people I knew had positioned themselves I could freely wonder from person to person and it became a lot of fun. I ended up spending the majority of the night with Aidy, and at one stage I noticed a fairly cute guy was dancing very close to him. Aidy picked up on his advances and subtly looked at him now and then. Erik, who was dancing nearby noticed what was was happening and pointed out to me that the boy was a rice queen, who had already tried his hand at Erik, unsuccessfully. This situation never really struck me till the Monday night when I spoke to someone that Aidy talks to on the net. Aidy was telling him how upset he was that he had left the party without getting the guy's details. All of a sudden I was ridden with a fear that naiive little principalisic Aidy was out in the world all by himself. I was powerless to help him. It was a horrible thing.
That night we got talking once again, on the net. He started telling me that he hadn't left me because I had cheated on him at all, mut it was because he was getting strange voices inside of him, telling him that things were not well. He said they sounded unnatural, and that's why he never told me about them. He said he just hadn't been happy. When he said this I simply disconnected and went to bed. I really upset me to think that he let me believe that the whole thing had been based on the fact that I had cheated on him all along, and it really angered me that he hadn't brought this up before breaking up with me. I was sorry he hadn't let me at least try to make a mends, and that he had always expected me to read his mind and know what he was feeling without actually telling me.
At about 1:30am he called me up, asking why I had just left the conversation. I told him what it was about and as per his usual he become upset and angry, saying that i didn't understant but still refusing to explain all this to me. I had always drawn back when we got to this bit in the past, always chosen to take the submissive apporoach so as not to make the situation worse, but I was angry that this boy was preaching to me, telling me, with my considerable experience, that I had no idea what I was talking about and that he knew it all when it was all really based on his theories on life. He refused to listen to my argument that when in a relationship the two parties need to share their feelings and emotions with one another, if not every action they take, saying that it was bullshit and that he didn't have to tell me anything. This coupled with the fact that I was at his house earlier in the day helping him with his computer and when we came across some of his IRC logs he would not let me read them, made me wonder just how much I wasn't aware of.
He also said he felt trapped in our relationship, a relationship where he knew he had full freedom to roam as far and wide as he liked, where he knew that no matter what he did, I would always take him back and always be there for him. It was one cliche' after another, in essence, all of which gave me the very definite impression that he was essentially bored. Last night he contradicted himself over and over, till he reached the typical Adrian stage of complete quietness, and if I didn't know better I would say that he does that just to make me angry. It gives my frustration time to brew and intensify into a strong, steaming anger. I managed to keep my cool to some extent, but when he said he never wanted to talk to me again, I craked. I said bye and hung up.
Here's the stupid part: I still love the boy. I know I could never bare to be with him again, but I love him, and when it's all said and done i'd still give it a shot. But I know that's not going to happen. It's time to move on.
November 9, 1998
Yet another week-end of partying is over, and more money has gone on beer, and for once I am feeling enriched by it, because it has allowed me to finally come to terms with and understand what is happening in my mind and in my heart. I remeber some time ago I wrote about the importance in seeing the difference between wanting someone and wanting something. I had never, up to that point, thought about what I wanted, but rather thought exclusively about people I wanted, and these were always chosen on the basis of their looks.
And now there's Michael, someone whom I find myself respecting more than I have anyone in a really long time, and for the first time ever, someone with whom I can picture a future. This morning, as i drove out of the carpark under my apartment I pictured us, settled, living the married life. It was a silly feeling but it was there, and silly or not, it felt good. Images of living in the suburbs, the dog, the stable jobs, who knows maybe the shared business, all skimming through my mind. I don't know wether to laugh or cry, but I can't deny they are there.
But what is it that go me here? Last night we were all out at Connies, generally having a good time, and as I looked around in a semi-lucid state of mind, I saw what I had been seeing for years now, a lot of young and not so young but equally young minded people, many of them competing to look more outlandish than the next, all familiar faces. And then there was Michael, looking for me, spending time with me, yet not even close to being smothering in his ways. Smart, caring and with a nice bod to boot. Not to mention the fact that he is in no way effeminate, or pretentious. A guy I could happily and proudly bring home to meet mother. Naturally none of this struck me untill I got home, hopped on the net to speak to someone who had left a plea for help on my mobile, and instead ended up talking to someone who had nothing better to do after clubbing that to also hop on the net and find someone to chat with. He told me that he too liked Michael, and that he thought Michael might be interested in him. Apart from the anger I felt as I detected a real urgency and purpose in telling me this, I felt a slight panic, as though I was about to loose Michael. I use the word "loose" with some reluctance as it makes me realise that I do want him... I don't know what to think anymore, I really am totally confused. I think I'll go visit him at work tonight.
November 23, 1998
Time for an introduction to some more of the wacky characters that have played roles in my life over the last few weeks. I will skip the more shallow meetings, the numerous one nighters, one dayers, the afternoon meetings between work and dinner. I will concentrate instead on the meetings that haveplayed a more important role in the way my thinking has been guided over what has been a rather difficult period.
To set the mood for this introduction I should mention what happened yesterday, when I went to visit Stella at her place. Stella will be leaving in a matter of days to return to Singapore to work and spend time with her family. I’ve been very distressed lately about the fact that she will be leaving because she has been so important to me lately and I don’t know how I will cope without her. Every one of my friends has disappointed me thoroughly lately and I know that once she will have left I will essentially be very lonely. I’ve relied on her to go out, to spend time with, to cheer me up when I’ve been down and even to lend me money when I needed it. She has made me feel safe and her own courage in times of trouble has been inspirational to me. Even her reasoning for going back, which I cannot go into considering this diary can be publically accessed, is proof of her depth of character. Stella is flawed in many ways, just as I am, but she is aware of her faults and she knows what her flaws are. That to me is as close as one can be to being flawless and faultless.
When I got to her house yesterday the conversation turned to drugs. Rob was there as well and neither of them had been to sleep yet. Rob wasn’t feeling well because of some reaction or other, and I commented that I just didn’t understand why they did this to themselves.
The truth is that as I spoke to them I came to realise that the majority of my friends had become just like everyone else on scene. You may have noticed that I’ve not mentioned Daniel, my former closest friend for a long time now. I don’t feel at ease writing about Daniel because I feel that I am being very judgmental towards him and I don’t like to admit that about myself, but when it is all said and done I do disagree with what he does and I am very disappointed in him. I can say this of him because I know he is now doing a lot of things that he told me himself he’d never want to do.
As things stand now, all my acquaintances are punctually and rhythmically taking drugs and sleeping with one another. Couples are swapping partners, people are doing “the rounds” and I can’t help but feel that the scene has essentially assimilated them all. I want to be quite clear about the following proviso: I am not passing judgement on them all, I am not saying that they are all misguided idiots for doing this. I can’t say my own lifestyle has been exemplary lately and I certainly cannot allow myself to be condescending towards them. What I am saying is that they have all moved to a place that I cannot and will not be in, a place in which I will not be comfortable. This scares the crap out of me.
Once Stella has left I will be – for the first time ever – completely alone on scene. Last Saturday was a very clear example of this. It was after Kristian’s 21st birthday party, when all those who habitually take e’s were on them. I drove to Connies alone, walked up to Connies alone, receiving a forceful blow to the stomach by a gang of Aboriginals in the street looking for trouble. I walked into the club clutching my stomach and proceeded to make my way to the spot where I usually hang out. I danced for a few hours, and regularly some person or other would walk up to me and say hello, chat a while and move on. These are not new people, these are acquaintances I’ve been introduced to and have known for differing periods of time, having never bothered getting past the first stage in the friendship seeing no difference between them and everyone else, and hence seeing no worth in knowing them. Besides which I am tired of being disappointed by my friends, why make more to be disappointed by. I would much rather deepen the friendships I already have.
I am rambling. The point I was getting at was that I was lonely all night. I felt like I didn’t know anyone at all. Daniel, Stella, Kristian and a whole bunch of other people were dancing a matter of a few meters away and yet I felt like I didn’t know them and they didn’t know me. When Daniel came up to me and hugged me it actually bothered me intensely. The hypocrisy of these people is driving me insane.
So how have I been compensating this animosity and this loneliness? I’ve been slutting. Well some people term it that, while I have not yet found a good way to explain it. I’ve been sleeping around, meeting new people, broadening my horizons, and making new friends, new enemies and a few new bedfellows. I am overdue on the introduction I promised. There is Jason, a guy I’ve seen a few times now who seems to like me a bit, he’s possibly my only victim, the only one who is upset I don'’ want to take things any further than a casual meeting now and then. Then there’s Brett, my hunky athletic tall funny casual root, who is in a committed relationship with someone who has a low sex drive. It all started with “yes, we are in an open relationship, he knows what I’m up to” and ended in “ oh my God he’s on his way home from work, quick, we have to leave!”. We used one another, I suppose it all balanced out. There have been a few others I’ve picked up here and there, generally none of them a re worth while or worth the time I spend having coffee with them when I meet them, before making our way to my house. It’s a horrible habit, writing about it makes me feel sick, yet the admission that it is such a cold act makes me feel better. I have another one teamed up for this afternoon and I can say this, I am not in for just a root, I am actually hoping that one of these people will surprise me, want me, be the right guy to get me over Aidy.
Did I say that? No, I couldn’t possibly still be hung up over the boy after he told me that he was tired of me and just wanted to move on to someone more interesting and more special. Well I’m proving him right now, I am certainly not special anymore. But I was special when I was with him, and I can say without the shadow of a doubt, I will be special again for someone, someone who will himself be special. Who knows, perhaps Michael will be that person, or maybe Daryl, the boy I’m meeting tonight, will be the one. Maybe someone I’ll meet next week… Maybe it will be “white t-shirt boy” whom Stella and I have been checking out for a while now, or perhaps Steve, a cute boy I’ve seen on scene for a while now but to whom I was introduced this week-end. He ended up going home with Stuart, a friend’s friend, but knowing the latter, in about a week he should be free again. Whomever, whenever, under circumstances I know I can’t predict, someone will come up, I know it now. When this will happen, I don’t know.
December 7, 1998
Having had my head severely screwed with by yet another addition to the wacky crew, something totally unexpected happened yesterday. I should first explain what my living situation is like at the moment. I live in a Melrose Place style apartment complex named “Jasmine”, with a central pool and a tennis court at the back. My modest split-level apartment takes up the third and fourth floors of the north end of the small complex, with a clear view of Perth’s taller buildings and more importantly, the pool, from the bedroom windows and from the living room.
A cycle takes place at Jasmine, a very dependable cycle that sees the numbers of gay inhabitants increase greatly over the summer months. I have no idea why this is. A few months ago a lovely couple moved into one of the front apartments, and since I walk directly past their rear veranda on the way to my own apartment, I quickly got to know them. Their names are Richard and Dick, and they are superb people and a lot of fun. They’ve taken to their own place and bettered it, and then proceeded to begin taking care of the gardens as well. The place has never looked better.
Shortly after they moved in another very interesting personage moved into one of the rear units, and I knew nothing of him apart from the fact that he went swimming regularly and that he seemed very shy. This boy captivated me, to the point where I would stand shamelessly at the window and watch him swim. He became close to the two Dicks and I noticed them gardening together a lot. Richard kept inviting me to join them over a drink but I never had a chance to do so until yesterday, a Sunday, a beautiful sunny day, which I spent taking care of a few loose ends. They were all around the pool for most of the day, after they finished gardening that is, and as I got home from my last run Richard told me that they would be on their way to the Court for a drink shortly thereafter. I said I’d join them and a short time later I did, and as we all sat the covered fountain drinking beer after beer I finally began to familiarise myself with what turned out to be a fun and intelligent group of people, my newly discovered "quality" neighbours.
Amongst them was Anthony, the shy boy who had captivated me so much over the last few weeks, the main reason I was there. He was very softly spoken, his head tilting down with every sentence he spoke, while his eyes struggled to keep eye contact. I found out he was from the country, I found out his goals, and I found out that he had broken up with the guy he had been living with just a short time ago. I also found out that I was much more attracted to him than I had imagined. But I dared not make anything of it, he was still, in my mind, way out of my reach.
As the evening reached a conclusion, he told me he’d be going to Connies after the Court, something generally out of character for him, and I knew this even after our relatively brief conversation. I told him I’d see him there, and took my leave in company of the two Dicks whom I gave a lift home. I rushed home, nuked and ate a leftover slice of pizza, took something for the headache that not eating all day had given me, and rushed back to Connies, fearing he may be there alone, or even that someone else might get to him before I did. I should not have been so worried. I was there a good half-hour before he made an appearance. Turns out he had gone home himself to have some food, and he had come by my apartment to check wether I was home. Immediately I regretted leaving the house at all, and began to see some hope, some interest on his behalf in me. Later he told me he had only come hoping to see me. The music was annoying him, the people were annoying us both, so I asked him to come back with me and have a coffee at my place. He agreed and we left.
Back home we spoke a long while, about relationships, about his ex, about my ex, about the scene, and more. I had been wrong about him, he was not as simple and straight forward a person as I had imagined him, he was a complex being, nowhere near as shy behind closed doors as he had seemed earlier, and I was perplexed as to what I should do. I was so attracted to him, and yet I was still scared to make a move of any sort with him, not only not knowing what his reaction would be, but also not knowing what the outcome of any involvement with him might end up being. Here was this gorgeous guy that I knew I could definitely fall for, and the mere idea of this scared me half to death.
Thankfully the decision was not mine to make. He made the first move and it was warmly received. I had been with a lot of guys over the last few months, and yet with his mere touch I was feeling dizzy. This hadn’t happened with anyone in years.
The evening dragged on till early morning, we didn’t get to sleep till a mere couple of hours before we knew we’d be up. We barely got past the foreplay stage, and chose not to take it any further. I could not explain this to him, but I was enjoying the feeling of him over me, with his every wonderful move, his words, his touch, I didn’t want it to end, I wanted to just drift asleep with the same feeling inside me. And it also struck me that I was beginning to associate sex with the empty farces I had been taking part in over the last few months. I wanted this one to be different.
He was incredibly intuitive. He knew what I was thinking, he seemed to know things about me that even I was struggling to understand. He knew how I felt. And knowing this made me feel safe.
Morning came and as the good Piscean that he is, he stayed in bed long after he should have. I was glad that he did, because I got to drive him to work. I got to kiss him goodbye in the car on Hay Street. That was only a few hours ago, and even with a mere two hours of sleep behind me I feel euphoric.
I don’t know where this is going, he has just recently broken up, his ex lives two floors down from me, and he will soon be moving into the apartment block next to mine. I’m not going to cling to this, I’m not going to overstate it, I’m not going to allow myself to get too deeply involved… well not for a while anyway. But I can’t help but hope that this is the one.
Later, the same day…
OK, now I’m worried, I can’t eat, I’m hyperactive and nervous and happy and… I think I’m falling. I can see this is going to be a strange day. I just hope I won’t come out of this even more screwed up than before. Hell I hope I don’t come out of this at all.
December 8, 1998
Well here’s a scary thought dear reader: I really am falling in love!
It was very hot last night, and my house was buzzing with fans. There was nothing watchable on TV so I opted for some music, a cigarette and a glass of wine outside on the steps as I waited for Anthony to make his way to my house. It was lovely outside, and a pleasant mumbling was coming from Richard and Dick’s veranda. They had friends over and I sat there, in amongst the music quietly spilling out my front door and their pleasant muffled chatter softly rising to me, keeping me company as I sat there.
I was scared my boy would not show up. I wasn’t sure what kind of person he was, I didn’t know wether he valued me at all or not, I didn’t know what he was thinking about the night before, I didn’t know what he thought about me, I knew nothing at all. He is after all, a very difficult person to read. Had I not liked him so much, had I not been thinking about him all day, maybe I would not have been so worried. Had I not allowed myself to become so caught up in this boy that it made it difficult for me to eat, I might have relaxed.
But he did come, at 9:30 when the cigarette was long gone, but the wine was still going. I was thrilled to have him around again, I can’t believe how lucky I feel when he’s with me, and everything he says to me makes me feel good. He was beaming because he was named “employee of the season”, within one season of working at the Holiday Inn. This boy not only has goals and aspirations but he has the skill and the stamina to get to where he wants to be. I hope I can help him get there, and perhaps he’ll help me get to where I want to be, once I find out where that is. We weren’t up very long last night, it had been a long day for us both and the night before it had been just as long. But once again, after we got to bed, it was difficult to fall asleep. We had decided not to have sex, not yet, not for a while. Last night I told him that I can’t bottom, and his response was so warm and understanding that it gave me goose bumps.
Quite simply, I can’t believe I am so completely attracted to Anthony in every way. He’s charming, he’s sensitive, he’s caring, he makes me feel like I’m the luckiest guy in the world, and he’s stunning, with the cutest smile and a body that is quite simply magnificent. See why I am scared now?
We did make one major progression last night. He had warned me not to fall in love with him when we first became close, stating that he’s self centered and vain. Last night he asked me wether I was falling for him. I answered honestly, saying that I might well be, and that I really had no control over it. He didn’t seem worried in the slightest, he almost seemed happy. He told me he believed he had made a turn: “I have a new boy, a new apartment and satisfaction at work, everything is going well”. It felt good to hear that, to be considered amongst the things that are making him happy, the best things in life. We spent half the night talking, kissing, touching. It was late when we finally fell asleep, and I don’t remember it too clearly, it was a nice progression, and I remember being curled up, scooped in by him, and feeling like it was the only place I wanted to be.
Later tonight I’ll be helping him with his work. Then he’ll be off boot-scooting (he boot-scoots, how cool is that?) while I finally pay some attention to Stella, who is leaving in a matter of a couple of days and whom I have been neglecting completely lately. I’m feeling very guilty, as I’ve proven her right on a point I have been debating with her on, being the fact that we’re only friends in the rough periods. What she doesn’t realise is that I would be, and will be completely lost without her. And yet I know that in her contorted mind she’s happy for me, and doesn’t feel betrayed. I love her so much, I hope someday someone will come into her life who will be able to give her as much as she will give back.
Anthony will be back at my place later tonight, and in the first three days from meeting him, he’ll have slept at my place three times. I’m taking him to work in the mornings, which means I get to work about an hour and a half earlier than usual myself, and people here are impressed. I seem to be doing a lot better since he’s been around. Not a second thought about Aidy either, from whom I have taken a massive leap forward, and a move for the better.
Please God let this work.
December 9, 1998
I spent yesterday afternoon with Anthony, third day of knowing him, third night with him. We're becoming more familiar with one another, our quirks are beginning to show through, and the lack of sleep is showing us one another's worst sides. Our conversations are becoming more frank, more to the point, less inhibited.
Last night we were up till 3am preparing a presentation he needed to have ready by today. We never did finish it but it gave me some idea of what it might be like to work together under a little pressure. We kept one another going, though he's a great procrastinator.
During a coffee break we started talking about the potential of a relationship. We chatted about the failures in our past ones, and the reasons behind them. I was impressed by his honesty and frankness, and answered his questions just as candidly as he answered mine. All in all his words were very non-committal, and a little frustrating now and then, but I did agree with everything he said, I understood everything he told me and we shared similar feelings towards a lot of issues and most of all. He was inquisitive, he started the conversation and kept asking questions. I think he may want something solid, but he's refusing to allow himself to get into anything too quickly after his breakup. I can't be certain, and he knows it scares me to know that he may not be back on any given day. But he has told me he's not going anywhere, and on the odd occasion he makes statement pertaining to where we might be years from now. Who knows, only time will tell.
He insists on saying that I will get bored of him, which I'm guessing is because he knows I've been on scene very fervently over the last few months and he's not into that. I don't think that will be the case at all, and I know there will be a good few things we will enjoy doing together, if we get a chance. Things that perhaps I've not done with anyone else. After all this is different from anything I've ever had before in many ways already.
He'll be coming back tonight, indeed he'll be home when I get there. He insisted he would have to go home, to the place where he's temporarily bunking till his apartment frees up in the group of units adjacent to mine, but it didn't take much to convince him to come back. I think he's making me dinner tonight, or buying something on his way home. Every last thing about Anthony is right so far. I know there is a lot more to him that I still can't see, but I also know that I'm finding out more and more about him every single day we spend together, and so far nothing has disappointed me.
I can't wait to see him again, I can't stop thinking about him. Now I'm worried about what has happened to him at work, we never finished the work he was supposed to have finished, and he knew he would get into some amount of trouble today. I hope everything went well.
December 11, 1998
Today is Friday, and it signs the end of a working week that has been quite unlike any other I've had for a very long time. I've found someone who cold more than ever be the potential love of my life and I've lost the best friend I've ever had.
Yesterday morning Stella took a flight back to Singapore, in all probability never to come back. It was a tragic affair at the airport, a group of really wonderful people saying goodbye to the person who had kept them together over the last couple of years. Each of us has a special link with Stella, we have all shared wonderful times with her as well as bad times, and relied on her for help and emotional support and strength during her time here. While we were waiting for her to board we all sat around chatting and laughing, drinking coffee. But as the time came for her to walk through the gate silence came upon us all.
As she hugged me goodbye a million things came into my mind, all those things I hadn't told her yet, and all the feelings I hold for her but that I've never been able to verbalise. I wanted to apologise for never having given her a fraction of the help and support she had given me. I just wanted to say "I love you". Yet I could say nothing, I knew that the moment I said a single word I would burst into tears. I was choking them back already and that was all I could do. As she looked away a tear rolled down my cheek but I dried it quickly and kept smiling. As everyone waived I stood there, in the back, and just looked at her leave.
We took a few steps back as she disappeared from view. Raff was sitting at a tall table nearby, and I walked over to him and sat down. Just as I did he looked at me and with a sad look said "I can't believe this". That was all I needed to set me off, I hid my face with my hands and sobbed deeply. Ryan was already crying but he kept a smile on his face the whole time, afraid as always to look weak. I know how much he most of all will miss his best friend and housemate. Daniel walked up to me from behind and hugged me. I just let loose for a while, and would have kept on for a while had the intercom not called out Stella's name as a final call. We all burst into teary laughter and started for the door.
As we reached the carpark we dispersed with a minimum of a fuss. As I walked away from my friends I started crying again. I hadn't just lost my best friend and confidante, I had also lost my last link to these people. I felt almost completely alone, the only thing stopping me from closing up completely was the thought of Anthony. If only he knew how much I need him right now, if only he knew how much he is helping me, and how I really feel about him. But I can't tell him, I can't risk frightening him. He has just come out of a relationship and I can't entrap him once again so quickly.
I picked him up from a dinner last night and he came back to my place with me. I realised that it is bothering me that we aren't able to be "out" as such to our friends because his ex lives so close by. But I'll wait as long as I need to. So long as I can say that he is mine and mine alone, I'll be satisfied, and I don't care who knows. Only I need to know.
December 14, 1998
It's Monday and I'm back at work. I'm finding it hard to concentrate or settle into a decent working mode because I keep looking back to the weekend in amazement that it lasted such a long time. It has been a great weekend, and I'm happy to say that things with Anthony just get better and better.
He took me to his staff Christmas Party last night, and I doubt he understands just how much that meant to me. He says things to me from time to time that just make my skin tingle. No one has ever made me feel as special as he does. Words really do escape me at this point in time, I feel I'd be repeating myself if I stated all the wonderful things I see in him, but they are there and they just get stronger and better all the time.
We had a delicate period over the weekend, in bed, when he asked me wether I loved him. I answered that I might, that I probably did. I turned the question back on him and he replied that he didn't know. All of a sudden I started seeing flashbacks from my past relationships, and everything that was special about Anthony just disappeared into a mangled mess of past unrequited loves. I became sad and quiet. Anthony noticed and responded in the best imaginable way. He hounded me, he wouldn't let me sink into a state of self provoked depression which would have tainted what we have had it lasted longer than it did, which wasn't long.
We talked about it, he made me feel better, and he showed me that the thought of losing me frightened him. I went to sleep happy and relaxed. The next day, at a very strange party in a most opulent and extravagant setting he told me he loved me. He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't think I've ever felt so much joy and contentment at any one sharp moment before. The staff party sealed it for me. For him to bring me out to, as he put it, to "show me off" to his colleagues, made me feel completely wanted and loved.
I don't know what I'd do without him anymore, and it has only been a week.
February 18, 1999
I have not written anything over the last few months as everything has been going fairly smoothly. I am still with Anthony, who is living with me, now on a permanent basis as both rooms in his apartment have been filled temporarily at least. We fight and quarrel a lot, we drive one another insane but I think we will be able to stay together for a very long time if we stay as patient and honest as we have been so far.
April 7, 1999
I look at the last entry and wonder how I thought that kind of life could possibly have lasted. Anthony and I finally broke up for the second time last night. I owe this diary of mine an apology for not having made any entries over the last few months. It has been a hectic and difficult few months and I have not found the time, the energy or frankly, the courage to really analise my thoughts, after all I knew that the logical outcomes would not have been pleasant. Let me start at the beginning...
Naturally, it all still revolves around Adrian to some extent. I have put great effort into not going out, as the few times I have did not end well, usually going home in a sulky mood, missing him. At Stella's and Dan's housewarming party I had a major sulk when Erik thought it wise to tell me that Aidy had slept with some ex of his, whom Aidy and I had met at Peter's house once. The idea of Aidy sleeping with someone else still made me feel sick. I hurried home and had a fight with Anthony, explaining that I still had feelings for Adrian, but disguising them as concern for his well being, rather than admitting to the fiery jealousy I was feeling.
All along, sex with Anthony had become more and more unpleasant. Anthony and I look at sex very differently. Sex to Anthony is a purely physical act, unrelated to whatever feelings one may have for the one he is bonking. This allows Anthony to unashamedly visit the sauna and feel neither guilt nor shame, irrespectively of wether he is with someone or not. I accepted that if I didn't want to have sex with him, well it would be ok for him to go and "relieve his urges" now and then, so long as these flirtations of his remained exclusively physical.
I think I have already written about the two ways I believe one can cheat on one's partner, being physically and emotionally. Physical cheating, or having sex with someone who is not your partner, is bad but forgivable, as the cheat's partner always remains the most important person in the cheat's life. When I cheated on Adrian, it was always exclusively physically, and while I don't pretend to say that it was not wrong, he never left my mind, and he never ceased to be the most important person in my life.
Then there's cheating on someone emotionally. When a sexual relationship with someone other than your partner becomes a repetitive affair, when the cheat begins to develop feelings for the person he is cheating on his partner with, he is cheating emotionally, and this is an act that I have now decided is unforgivable. It implies that if the cheat had the opportunity he would leave his partner for the new arrival, discarding his partner not because things were not successful with the two of them but rather because someone better has come along.
The rather cynical and totally unromantic agreement Anthony and I had come to was set out clearly, with guidelines to make me feel safe in circumstances I knew I would find very difficult to handle. But the first time it was broken was a few weeks after his birthday, when he told me that he had been to the sauna three weeks prior without telling me. Anthony had a policy of what was to him not lying to me. He never saw any reason to tell me things he thought he should tell me. I only found out about his excursion when I asked him directly, almost jokingly, wether he had been to the sauna.
Weeks later, after a quarrel he told me he was going out. I asked him wether he was going to the sauna and he said no, then apparently as he left the room said that he had changed his mind and was indeed going to go, but did so much too softly for me to hear, and having just had a fight I did not bother to query him as to what were to me muffled grumbling. When he got home I realised he had indeed been to the sauna, I asked him about it, and very matter of factly he said that he had been, and had had sex with this really nice guy whom apparently I'd have really liked. He was a thirty year old Portuguese ER nurse who was leaving the country in a few days. The next day he continued the story, this time explaining that they would be having coffee on that Friday. This naturally sparked another fight, I had already explained to him that I could not handle him making his sex partners into friends. He said I had no right to stop him as this Fernando character was leaving the country soon anyway and nothing could come of it.
He was right, I could not stop him. On Friday I took my time getting home, hoping he'd feel guilty about having coffee with this guy and hurting my feelings while he waited at home for me. Little did I know what was happening. I got home at about seven in the afternoon and he was still not home. I waited for three agonising hours for him to get home, all along seeing images of him and Fernando having sex. When he walked through the door he had a strange mix of guilt and the same unashamed "I had every right to do it" look on his face. He admitted there and then that they had spent the afternoon having sex. He told me he had spent the last three hours walking around trying to clear his mind. Well as it turns out I found out just a few days ago that what he told me that night was not true. Those three hours had not been spent walking around alone, but were just more sex time. He had come straight home afterwards. Not only that but he had seen Fernando every day after work till the day he left.
Fernando had also offered him a ticket back to Portugal with him, but he was coming back in about six months and Anthony had decided that he would use these six months to see how things went between he and myself first. Meanwhile he went to the library and started to study Portuguese. All along I thought the matter was closed as Fernando had left the country permanently. I decided to once again overlook this affair and forgive Anthony, spurred on mostly by the fact that had I dumped him now I'd be a hypocrite, after all Anthony knew that it was not going anywhere, or so I thought.
But slowly the information started trickling in. The day I found out that Fernando was coming back Anthony also showed me a letter Fernando had sent him. They were corresponding. That day I also found out about the six month plan, I found the Portuguese books, I found out that they had seen one another much more than I had thought they had, and Anthony even let slip that he had chosen to be celibate and not look for anyone else till Fernando came back. In his words to me: "Andy you can give me everything I want and need, but he can give me that and sex".
Anthony and I broke up right then. Idiotically I once again gave him the chance to redeem himself, asking him to choose between Fernando and me. I gave him three options: The two of us could break up, and be free to find other people, but we would remain friends so long as he ended all communication with Fernando. Alternatively we could stay together and give the relationship another chance, naturally on the same condition that Fernando completely disappear from his life. The final choice was the one I hoped he would not opt for. If he insisted on maintaining a relationship of sorts with Fernando, everything was over between us, our friendship would simply not exist anymore, i would never want to talk to him again, we would simply be living in the same house, no more.
Well he chose the last one, thinking I could never really wipe him from my life. He was very wrong. Within days, when I told him one of us had to move out of the house, he did some major back-pedaling. He told me he would never speak to or see Fernando again. We got back together then, till yesterday, when during a relatively pleasant discussion I told him it would be best if we broke up now, when things were allright, as we both knew it was not going to end well otherwise. He agreed, and we moved on.
You can imagine my surprise when Ryan confided in me later that day: "Andy, I don't know wether it is in anyone's best interest to tell you this, but I promised Aidy I would tell you this, and I feel that I should. He was out on Saturday night, and he was pretty drunk, but he told me to tell you that he can't stop thinking about you, and that he will always love you". I was utterly flabbergasted. I had to ask Ryan to repeat himself again till I was certain of what he was telling me. What every good star book said about Aquarians turned out to be true, you'll only catch them when you stop chasing them. But I really had given up on Aidy, and the experience I had just been through had showed me what I had looked like to him when I played the role that Anthony had just played.
I was absolutely beside myself, I had to control myself, lest I should jump up and down for joy when I was trying to keep the ongoing saga between Anthony and I to myself. Stella and Ryan knew nothing of the further breakup, and they still didn't know as I furtively headed upstairs to call Aidy, who much to my delight sounded very happy to hear from me. We chatted a while, till the subject of Saturday night came up. I asked him how much truth there may have been behind any news Ryan might have given me, and with in amongst some umming and arring he explained that it was true but that he knew it matters little as he knew I had someone else and I was well on my way to getting over it. I explained in brief terms what had been happening between Anthony and I of late, and we postponed the conversation till Friday, when we are to have coffee.
I feel like a kid going on his first date all over again. And how about this, just as I write this, a song that was very important to Aidy and I has come on the radio, I don't know the title of it, but it sounds almost African in style, and when Aidy bought the single I have vivid memories of some of the happiest nights of our time together listening to that song.
any comments or correspondence to [email protected]